Babes Of Sin City Gets Awesome. John Awesome.

[crayon]

Okay, so here's the beginning of my BSC diary. Now, I'll preface this by saying it'll be slow, and I have no idea how far I'll get on this before I burn out and forget about it like most of the projects I start.. but hopefully what I do put out there will be entertaining enough to justify it :)

Oh, and if the term "knob" is offensive, just let me know and I'll edit it out.

THE SHADOWY FOG OF THE GOLDEN EAGLE
a John Awesome adventure

I'M SITTING in the Pelican Lounge with a hot assed stripper giving me a blowjay worth two hundred Washingtons and it's a Friday night. The name's John Awesome. I'm fifty-four years old; rogue accounting used to be my trade; and I have zero money in my wallet. Oh yeah.
“Hey, what's this sh*t about having no money?”
Damn. Seems the broad was as quick as my inner monologue was loud.
“Aw heck baby. You know how these things are. I quit my job ten days ago and spent all my bank on peanut flavored cashew butter.”
“Cashew butter?” she echoed, incredulously.
“... and text based wrestling simulators.”
“You sick bastard.”
I put my raging four inches of knob back in my jeans, and tried to get out of the worn suede chair but she had me pinned with the force only women scammed out of sexual favors possess.
“Okay, I can see you're annoyed—and that's understandable.” I tried to reason with her: “Maybe we could figure out some kind of arrangement where I don't pay you any money, but you still take your fingernails out of my extremely muscular thighs and let me go. How does that sound?”
Her nails digging deeper into the flesh of my extremely muscular thighs wasn't exactly a 'No', but the spit that followed in my face probably wasn't a 'Yes' either.
“Alright, alright!” I shrieked. But really tough like a pirate. “I'll work it off, I'll work it off! Tell me what to do, just please don't hurt me anymore!”
Her grip loosened and she paused to think a moment, giving me time to wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Do you know how to book?”
This caused me to smile.
“Toots. I book like you couldn't even imagine.”
Hah, bitch had no idea that I'd read War and Peace by the age of twelve.
“This is your lucky day.” She reached out and shook my hand. “I'm Marilyn Stardust, and as of now, I'm the ex-head booker of Babes Of Sin City wrestling. Thanks a lot, sucker!”

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/8986/diary060608newbscbookerts5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
The wrestling community reacted to the news with feverish collective silence

So it's Monday and I'm at the main BSC offices talking to another hard headed dame that calls herself Honey Golightly. Turns out she runs this two-bit wrestling promotion and wants me to give it a little bit of awesome.
“Look, I dunno what any of that has to do with War and Peace, but you came to the right place, toots.”
“This is serious business though. You know much about wrestling?”
“Do I know much about making the wrestling? Hah!” I scoffed. “Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant, Jake The Snake, Hulk Hogan... .. ... and that's just four of the ones I know!”
She frowned a little, but eventually shrugged into a depressed slump, playing with a rubber ball hanging off a piece of string.
“I guess that's good enough for us. Hell, Marilyn thought a cheap crowd pop was something to do with bukkake.”

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/9939/diary060608bscofficessr2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
The Babes Of Sin City's head office had a certain charm to it

First thing I do on the job is have a look at the business side of things. Knowing how much money I can embezzle isn't something that can be overlooked. $250,000. I can work with that, but of course the embezzling will be much easier if we've got a steady cashflow coming in. Oddly, enough there is none. I soon realize that that's because they don't even have any events running, goddamn broads!
A moment later I've gotten off the phone with some movers and shakers, and we have our first event scheduled for Tuesday. I'm so excited about this that I drink two bottles of un-named whiskey and pass out under a bus.

I wake up with a mouth that feels like tumbleweeds to the sound of some annoying made-in-Japan device called an EXTREME Eye beeping like crazy, telling me that I've gotta create some storylines and put on some pants for the fans. Well, screw you EXTREME Eye; John Awesome don't put on pants for no one but John Awesome. And I'll figure out that storyline crap later, too. Before all of that, I have to see who's who of BSC, and how I can properly use them on tonight's show.

Eight hours later I get up off the couch and set TiVO to record the rest of The CW's marathon of Gilmore Girls (Loralei is bangin'). I call a cab and arrive at Piper's Casino at ten P.M. I have the strange feeling I was supposed to do something else earlier, but ultimately shake it off because there's a show to put on!

What's going to happen next? How will John Awesome utilize the talented roster of BSC? Has he even turned up at the correct location? OMG YOU'LL HAVE TO STAY TUNED!

[Capellan]

John Awesome sure is.

[mad5226]

I really enjoyed this. This has the potential to be something huge good luck

[mistaken]

can't wait to see how you manhandle my girls. :D

[King Kirby]

Great stuff. I like the part where you shriek really tough, like a pirate.

[infinitywpi]

Comedy Noir mixed with wrestling. This should be interesting. Bonus points if you work the "I got six slugs in me... one's lead, the rest are whiskey" cliche in there somewhere.

[alanreao]

This is fantastic.

[Jaded]

This is my new favourite diary. :)

[Michael Wayne]

can't wait to see what happens next.

[crayon]

And now

I'M BACKSTAGE at Piper's Casino and I can't believe it, because it's swarming with pµssy everywhere. No, literally. Someone must have left open the back door and let every stray cat in Nevada in. I kicked a few of them in various directions but gave up after each that went flying was replaced by two new ones ready to spray wild on my creased Dolce & Banana suit.

The entire female roster is preparing for the big night, and I watch them getting naked from the shadows... I mean, I stand around until they're all done. I clap my hands together and put on a friendly grin.

http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/9205/diary070608piperbackstana6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Backstage at the Piper Casino

“Ladies, gather round! By now you know that I'm the new head booker of this wrestle promotion thing. Some of you may be wondering who I am and exactly why I rock so hard. Well if you've got the internet, hit google and type in 'John Awesome' and 'blows the ass out of fifty states'. You'll get hundreds of results that will explain it much better than I ever could.”
Who was I kidding, they knew why I rocked so hard.
“Alrighty! I'd say that was a pretty good pep talk. Let me know when the whole thing is over and we'll review what you did wrong.”

I gathered some cats into a ball and used them as a makeshift pillow. Looks like this will be pretty easy after—
“Whoah, that's it?” said some chick, interrupting my train of thought. “Haven't you got anything else you wanna say?”
I rolled over and looked to see who was messing with my sleep. She was a Cali blonde with a ten thousand dollar body and an expression that looked like I was late on making those payments.

“You, what's your name?”
“Dharma. Dharma Gregg,” she replied.
“Okay, you're fired. Hit the bricks and dust, babycakes. I don't need no whiners in this hockey league.”
I turned my attention to another of the BSC girls.
“You, the less attractive twin sister. What was that lippy blonde talkin' about? Sounded important.”
“I think she expected you to tell us what to do, or give us a script, maybe. I'm Jen Neptune, by the way.”
“I gotta organize all that sh*t on top of firing people?” I lobbed the catbawl in frustration, which hit Dharma's ass on her way out. “Arrgh, this books gig is the hardest job in the world!”

http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/5306/diary070608dharmako0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Dharma gets what she deserves

I got to my feet and started pacing the room, because it seemed dramatic. I could do this. I've seen some wrestling shows before. The first thing I needed to figure out was who to put in the main event of the evening (or as what we call it in the industry: the “big match”)

“Alright, whoever will have sex with me, I'll put in the big match.”
Several hands shot up.
“But we have to leave the lights on,” I added.
Several hands shot down. Goddamnit.
“Okay, well was there anyone who actually considered it for a second?”
The rock chick with metal crap in her face slowly put her hand up.
“Yeah, I did for a second. But I'm also pretty fvckin' drunk.”
“That makes two us,” I said. “Congratulations, you're now a big matcher. Hope you other girls learnt a lesson from this.”
I took a look at all the other dames and then to my Casio watch.
“We've got, oh... five minutes till we start. Tell you what, I'll figure out the rest of it while I'm on the john. Till then, braid each others hair and make me a turkey sandwich.”

Only five minutes till show time! What awaits Honey Golightly's promotion? Will it be greatness? Will it be failure? Or will it be AWESOME?

[Rathen4]

I'm hoping for more catballs personally. That picture is ****ing genius.

[trypio]

Lol, pure awesomeness.

[mad5226]

Well now Im torn as AWESOME as this diary is...please tell me you were just kidding about firing Dharma =(

[W3LSHY]

I think i've found one of my new favorite diaries :D

It reminds me a little of J Silvers USPW Diary. In a good way of course ;).

[infinitywpi]

This isn't gonna last long due to the getting-around-the-language-filter thing... but dammed if it's not the most fun I've had reading a diary in a long time.

[crayon]

Oh, I didn't realize the language would be such an issue (under the personal assumption that it's more in place for offensive and vulgur posts) seeing as people would figure it out anyway, yet it remains censored (okay, replacing u with a v is a bit sneaky), just not as overly.

I'll edit it if any mods have an issue with the work-around. I was just trying to make the reading process as smooth as possible.

[Actarus]

A very funny, entertaining read, Crayon.

The only thing I can't wrap my mind around (even when attempting to suspend disbelief, which is required for most entertainment endeavors) is picturing Marylin Stardust as a "hot assed stripper". It just doesn't work in my head. I mean, look at her picture? ;) ;) Unless Awesome was Awesome drunk that night, in which case it makes a little bit more sense.

[Rathen4]

I feel the swearing should be kept in. It's stupid for a forum to have a filter especially for an adult-orientated game like this (I know it's for all ages but can you imagine a nine year old having much fun with it?)

[crayon]

A very funny, entertaining read, Crayon.

The only thing I can't wrap my mind around (even when attempting to suspend disbelief, which is required for most entertainment endeavors) is picturing Marylin Stardust as a "hot assed stripper". It just doesn't work in my head. I mean, look at her picture? ;) ;) Unless Awesome was Awesome drunk that night, in which case it makes a little bit more sense.

Hit the nail on the head right there :) I was gonna photo shop her render onto a strippers body, but didn't want to be the cause of readers temporary blindness.

Appreciate all the comments and support too, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

[Jaded]

Man, this is awesome so far.

And Jack Avatar in my NOTBPW dynasty may just follow your lead in deciding who gets to main event - bye bye Dan Stone Jr, hello Emma Bitch!

[TeflonBilly]

I'm definitely liking this diary.

[EricAdams]

He's running a promotion built around STRIPPERS AND MATCHES WHERE THEY GET NEARLY NAKED

Let him curse.

[crayon]

Preface: I'm still toying with the format of writing up an event, so it may not stay like this... Anyway, onto the show!

INT. PIPER CASINO – BAR ROOM:
The lights DIM and after a few confused moments of silence they come back on. This signals the MONUMENTAL first show opening of...

http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/4086/diaryjohnawesomepresentfc2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Sara Silver: We're here at The Piper Casino with Babes of Sin City's first ever event to be recorded and sold on DVD. I've got my announce partner and boss besides me, and Miss Golightly, you must be happier than a midget who fell into a bucket of titties.

Honey Golightly: You're not wrong there. Tonight is going to be HUGE. And keep in mind that not only is this our first ever recorded event, it's our first event not held in a college gymnasium full of teenage boys.

Sara Silver: Although I do think I see some of them trying to get a fake ID past the bar, over there. Anyway, what we're all dieing to know: will this be a night in Las Vegas history that makes Ocean's 11 look more like an Ocean's 2?

Honey Golightly: Well, I've been backstage, Sara. I've talked to everyone, and I know what's in store, but I can't tell you anything except that it's going to be simply amazing. And I think you're about to see it start...

An UNKNOWN FIGURE slowly makes his way through the crowd, wit a STICK in one hand and a BEER in the other. He frequently stops to chug back the can.

Sara Silver: No way! Could it be the biggest signing in all of BSC's history?! I think it's The Sa[name copyrighted by World Wrestling Entertainment]man!

THE FIGURE climbs atop the metal guard rail.
And falls off.

Sara Silver: Oh wait, no. It's just a drunk bum.

Honey Golightly: That's the thing with BSC, you'll never know what's going to happen! Security will take care of... heyyy, why's he getting in the ring? And now he has a microphone...

JOHN AWESOME stands in the middle of the ring holding a MICROPHONE and what we now see is a BROOM.

http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/5/diary080608johnawesomeodf3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


Sara Silver: He certainly ain't no Sandman but a least he's better looking!

Honey Golightly: Just.

JOHN AWESOME continues to hype himself for the next ten minutes. (Rating: E)
He then hypes the show for thirty seconds.(Rating: E-)

Sara Silver: I love surprises, which is great because I have no idea what's happening.

Honey Golightly: Goes to show just how strong tonight's show is going to be. It doesn't need more than 30 seconds of hype, because the talent will speak for itself.

Sara Silver: And speaking of talent, it's...

CUT TO

INT. BACKSTAGE AREA – JOHN AWESOME'S OFFICE:

Sara Silver: ... wait, another John Awesome angle?

JOHN AWESOME enters and is not surprised to find a partially naked woman on his desk. Reveal to show SISTER BETH MERCY playing with her own... rosary beads (you sick sick people, I know what you were thinking).

Beth Mercy: I was watching you on the monitors John Awesome and I think you're so, um... hot..? Oh. Please take my chastity, and uh, make me your woman.

John Awesome: Listen doll. You got a great mug and I think your boobs are swell, but I can't take you up on your offer, right now.

Beth Mercy looks depressed upon hearing this.

John Awesome: But you may wanna keep ear to dirt if you know what I'm sayin'. I got some announcements you'll find very interesting. Now get some clothes on and jam, jesusfreak.

(Rating E)

Sara Silver: What you said was right; I am amazed! We have never seen anything like this happen before at Babes of Sin City! Has Beth Mercy gone crazy? ... Miss Golightly? Are you okay? You look speechless.

Honey Golightly: Wha? Oh, sorry. Well y'know, I've seen some surprising things—usually out of guy's pants during one of my acts—and I guess even I can still be surprised. There's a girl for everyone, they say, right?

INT. ARENA:

http://img361.imageshack.us/img361/958/diary080608goodheadvsjefo0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


Even though it was pure filler with no thought put into the matchup, JEN NEPTUNE and OFFICER GOODHEAD came out and gave it their all in a bra & panties match. Unfortunately their all sucked pretty impressive.

The crowd was spared when Jen managed to duck a wild punch and tear Officer Goodhead's blue blouse off at the 2:34 mark, revealing a bra with pictures of the guys from CHIPS on it, for the win.

Jen lulzed pretty hard, before pie-facing Goodhead and ripping the bra off as well, leaving Goodhead to run back to the dressing rooms half-naked. (Rating E+)

Honey Golightly: I think she's going to have to arrest herself for indecent exposure.

Sara Silver: With those tits, I wouldn't be surprised.

CUT TO
INT. BACKSTAGE:

SISTER BETH MERCY is looking in a mirror adjusting her habit when ALEXIS LEE LITTLEFEATHER comes up to her, twirling a tommahawk.

Littlefeather: Littlefeather always had big respect for Provocative Nun. But me hear about what you do with the Sexyman. Littlefeather lose respect now.

Beth Mercy: Sexyman? Oh, you mean John Awesome. Do you think I went too far in the eyes of God?

Littlefeather: No! Sexyman is Littlefeather's trophy! She will take him back to teepee and show him Cherokee tribe's most honored twig.

Sara Silver: Looks like this guy is more popular than we thought!

Honey Golightly: What th-

KATHY and JEN NEPTUNE are walking past and overhear the conversation.

Kathy Neptune: Whoah, sell your land for smokes, Littlefeather! You can't just treat John Awesome like a piece of meat. You have to think of what he wants. And Sister Mercy, flashing a respectable man like John Awesome your naked body isn't the way to win him over. You should both know that.

Beth Mercy and Littlefeather both look ashamed and embarrassed of themselves.

Beth Mercy: You-you're right. I wasn't thinking.

Littlefeather: Littlefeather did wrong.

Jen Neptune (under her breath): *cough* And he'd rather have us coz we're hotter.

Beth Mercy and Littlefeather hear this and EXPLODE at the Neptune Twins. Soon, all four girls are arguing over the top of each other, and nothing can be made sense of.

Honey Golightly: You have got to be f*cking kidding me.

Just as it looks like we're about to have WWIII in the back of The Piper Casino, JOHN AWESOME enters from off-screen.

John Awesome: Ladies, settle down...

They all stop as he commands.

John Awesome: Fighting over me, obviously. Even before I found out about this BSC wrestling, I could see this happening.

The girls collectively apologize.

John Awesome: Don't worry, babes; it's normal. But still, we can't have the whole locker room fighting over me. It's bad for business, and it's bad for the rest of the male population not called John Awesome.

Littlefeather: But me not able to easy forget about Sexyman!

John Awesome: And that's why we're going to have a three-way match later tonight. And the winner of that match gets a lifetime supply of waxing my johnson!

He points to Mercy, Littlefeather, and Kathy.

John Awesome: You, you, and you. You're all in it. Make sure your bush is shaved so none of you get carpet burn. I'm leaving to go do something else.

John Awesome leaves. (Rating D-)




Given how big this write-up is turning out, I'm gonna split it up into a couple of parts. Hope you enjoyed the first part, predictions and comments always welcome

[Ping von Erich]

This is easily the best diary I've ever read on these boards.. bar absolutly none.

*gets John Awesome tattoo arched across stomach in old english*

For life.

[Dansc]

I lol'd so hard at that logo.

This is awesome.

[mad5226]

It started a little slow for me with the Sandman refrences and what not. But I have to tell you, having the roster fight over John Awesome and hearing Littlefeather speak. I believe you may just win diary of the century.

[Self]

This is one of the few diaries I'm actually interested in reading. Funny stuff with cool pictures. Nice.

[soulztnrv1]

John Awesome is what wet dreams are made of.

[alanreao]

I'm trying top read this during my lunch break and I keep bursting out laughing. This is absolutley fantastic.

[Jaded]

This is scarily great!

[Blasphemywebleed]

This is fantastic so far, really loving the John Awesome style. My favourite diary by far.

However I do have to play bad boy and say that the language filter is there for a reason and any words that are picked up by the filter are to remain filtered, please don't replace letters to get them shown. As far as the jokes go, as long as you aren't seeking to offend anyone then its fine, and has been great so far.

[Mattyc]

This is one of the funniest dynasties I have ever read. I cannot overstate how much I want you to continue with this, this has potential to be something legendary. John Awesome is my new role model!

[Olback]

funny stuff

[crayon]

I can't believe how long it's taking me to write up one show. Thank god I hav no B-Shows or it'd kill me. I've never been good at being concise :P

The upside of it though, is that I'm really starting to get into the characters--moreso than any other TEW session i've played--and am already getting some interesting ideas for the future, as offshoots from other segments or minor quirks I'm just randomly putting in there.

CUT TO
INT. ARENA – ANNOUNCE TABLE:
(Check Page 2 to see what happened in the first part of the show)

Sara Silver: I know we went into this tonight with no announced matches, but already I'm getting excited to see Alexis Littlefeather, Kathy Neptune, and Sister Mercy face each other in a three-way. Do you think it's possible that the bush shaving will be a backstage angle?

Honey Golightly: I have to ask why you would want to see that?

Sara Silver: ... Wow, so check out this crowd tonight!

Honey Golightly: We've got 300 people in attendance and-

Sara Silver: SPAAARTAAA!

Honey Golightly: What?

Sara Silver: SPAAARTAAA! You've seen 300, right?

Honey Golightly: I have no idea what you're talking about.

There is a LOUD VOICE from OFFSCREEN.

LOUD VOICE: YEEEAHHH!!!

Honey Golightly: Would you stop that already?

Sara Silver: That wasn't me that time! We've got a pretty wild crowd tonight.

The camera SWEEPS over the audience in The Piper Casino, and spots a sweaty, BEARDED LOUT standing on top off the bar swinging his arms and shouting at the top of his lungs.

Sara Silver: Look at this guy. Looks like someone took Joe C0cker's face and mixed it with beef stew.

Honey Golightly: For all the fans at home, why don't we hear what this guy has to say. Getting a little wet and wild is part of the BSC attitude, after all. Have we got a camera close enough to hear him?

http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/4715/diary090608beardedlout1ct8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Sara Silver: Is this for real?!

http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/903/diary090608beardedlout2hx0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Honey Golightly: Even if this guy wasn't just a drunk mark, there is no vacant title. Dharma Gregg is the people's current Queen Of The Ring title holder, and everybody knows that.

Sara Silver: OH SHI- I've just got word from the back through my headset that Dharma Gregg is no longer champion, and that the contenders for the title have already been picked!

Honey Golightly: Where is Dharma Gregg??

Sara Silver: People are telling me that the door hit her ass on it's way out over ten minutes ago! The champ is gone; we've got two hot matches coming up—one for title consideration, the other for John Awesome's junk; there's an old drunk man standing on the bar; and bush WILL be shaved. I can't believe my ears!

Honey Golightly: ....

http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/2597/diary090608beardedlout3jp2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Sara Silver: And according to a drunk mark, BSC may be bankrupt after tonight! This event is blowing my mind like Kurt Cobaine.

CUT TO
INT. BACKSTAGE – DRESSING ROOM:
COCO DE LA SOLEIL is strapping up her boots when BRITNEY HOLLYWOOD and SPRITE enter.

Coco: Hey, my friends. Is it true; did Dharma really quit because she was jealous of John Awesome's magnificent physique?

Sprite: That's what my little elves tell me *giggle*

Coco: Le wow. So much has been happening, no? And now to think that this is happening to me!

Britney: Yes. It is pretty surprising. In fact I was just talking with my publicist and he was saying-

SUDDENLY Britney and Sprite JUMP Coco throwing all manners of punches and kicks to her body. She tries to fight off the beatdown as best she can but both of them catching her, unaware, is too much and she is knocked senseless. (Rating: E-)

Honey Golightly: The usually cheerful duo of Sprite and Hollywood just savagely attacked Coco De Soliel! What are they doing?! And why?

Sara Silver: Looks like they were showing her some of Icke Turner's trade secrets.

Honey Golightly: Folks, we're going to try to get some medics to Coco, but right now we've got to turn our attention to the ring because a huge match is about to take place.

JOHN AWESOME stands in the center of the ring.

John Awesome: You all heard my spokesperson before tell you that beer was on the slide and that whichever skirt held the BSC Woman's title held it no more, right?

Honey Golightly: That bum was his spokesperson?

John Awesome: THIS match, right now, will influence my decision of who should get to wear that gold plated copper slab around their love handles. I've already picked the broads by closing my eyes and throwing pencils at a full locker-room, but what none of them are prepared for is that they'll be wrestling a match noone has ever seen beyond Russian snuff films! To everyone that paid to get in, I give you...

He REVEALS a SHOE.

John Awesome: The infamous Shoe On Head match!

He places the shoe up on a POLE attached to one of the turnbuckles.

John Awesome: The rules of this are simple. The first broad to climb that pole and put the shoe on her head like she means it wins. Everyone else goes home and cries in a bath listening to Leonard Cohen.

Sara Silver: I think I've seen this on Moscow TV.

Honey Golightly: It certainly is... uh, innovative. You're not going to see something like this anywhere but BSC.

Sara Silver: And Eastern Europe black markets.

The RING ANNOUNCER for the night (random blackjack dealer on his 15minute break) begins calling out the contenders, who make their way to the ring. First is AMY GALAXY, who is greeted by having pretzels thrown at her.

She is followed by ALISON CAPONE, who is more over and thus gets half the amount of pretzels directed towards her. The Announcer then calls out the third and last, but she does not appear.

They are waiting on COCO DE LA SOLEIL!

Honey Golightly: She's still being treated by the medics. There's no way she can fight tonight!

After a few minutes, The Announcer looks to his cards, and calls out the designated backup contender. She makes her way to the ring, with a very familiar strut and teammate beside her.

Sara Silver: It's Hollywood Magic! Hollywood Magic are making their way to the ring. Could this have been what was planned all along?

Honey Golightly: That damn Britney Hollywood, this is no respectable way to get a title!

http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/5295/diary090608caponevsamygma6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


All three had a surprisingly good match, with Capone and Hollywood teaming up on Galaxy to begin, but quickly turning against each other. Hollywood nearly got the shoe with Sprite's help, when Lindsay Sugar ran in and crashed Sprite into her, knocking them both to the floor. Capone quickly hit the Zoot Suit Riot DDT on Galaxy out of nowhere and climbed the pole to put the shoe on her head, winning the match in 4:34s (Rating: D-)

Honey Golightly: This is insane, but I guess this woman is the one with the best chance at being BSC's next Queen of the Ring.

Alison Capone continues to celebrates in the ring by sexily dancing for the crowd with shoe on head. (Shoe Rating: C)

SUDDENLY a female VOICE is heard.

Voice: What is going on here?!

We see that the voice belongs none other than DHARMA GREGG in plain clothes, making her way through the crowd and over the security barrier. She gets into the ring next to the surprised Capone, who is not sure whether she should keep dancing or stop.

Dharma Gregg: What are you doing? Alison, come on.

She flicks the shoe off, with disgust, and turns to the audience. Capone wisely shirks out of the ring, not wanting to get caught up in the impromptu craziness (even though it could be argued that she did just have a shoe on her head).

Dharma Gregg: Are all you people crazy? You're cheering for a woman dancing with a shoe on her head. A SHOE!

Sara Silver: Is this a heel turn?

Honey Golightly: It may be even better... I think it's SHOOT STYLE!

Dharma Gregg: If you've been wondering where I've been all this show, before I started I was fired by new head booker, John Awesome. John Awesome? More like John DICK! Can you believe I was fired? Me, the most over person in the company?!

Random Member Of Crowd: Show us your melons!

Dharma gives the crowd the middle finger, which results in a chorus of BOO's—which is, in fact, the most heat all night. Not a moment soon after, JOHN AWESOME appears and makes his way down to the ring entrance.

John Awesome: I thought I heard my name mentioned. I can sign an autograph but you'll have to run and grab me a pen and paper, doll.

Dharma Gregg flips out and goes into a tirade about his body odor and how he will run BSC into the ground, and that the fans won't stand for her being fired.

John Awesome: You know what? You got moxy, kiddo. You're talking out of an ass-hole three sizes too big for your g-string, but I'll tell you what: since I'm very drunk and don't remember who you are, I'll give you a chance to keep your job. It'll be a shoot fight against an opponent of my choice, and it's for your title!

Sara Silver: Shoot promos and now a shoot fight? I haven't heard of so much crappy shooting since they announced a Michael Bay marathon at the Royale Multiplex!

John Awesome: And then next week, that Capone dame will fight whoever wins this. Will that keep all you screwy broads from leaking PMS all over my supper?

Dharma laughs.

Dharma Gregg: You probably didn't know this—course you didn't—but I'm a black belt in Tai Bo and trained directly under Billy Blanks. I can take on anyone you throw at me. Just bring it.

(Rating: E-)

John Awesome shrugs, and pauses to think for a second. He then rolls under the ropes and searches for something beneath the ring. He returns gripping something in his hand and announces the match:

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/9775/diary100608dharmavsacatun0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


The bell rings.

Dharma Gregg: What the ****?? And why is it wearing a duck hat?

John Awesome throws A CAT at Dharma. It smacks her in the face, knocking her flat to the canvas.

A Cat celebrates in the middle of the ring, sitting on Dharma Gregg, washing itself. (Rating: E)

Sara Silver: Duck Cat wins! Duck Cat wins! We have a new Queen Of The Ring and it happened in a ten second squash! Miss Golightly, what do you make of this?

Honey Golightly: Is the beer still free? I think I need a drink.

And that's Part 2 of Tuesday's JOHN AWESOME Presents Wrestling!!. Hopefully A third part is all it'll take, but you never know. John Awesome seems to have a life of his own.

(and thanks to Blasphemywebleed for letting me know the deal. I'll leave the filter as is from now on. Well, barring those weird exceptions where it filters a non-curse word. Poor Joe ****er :D)

[1PWfan]

I don't think 've laughed so much since I first read J Silver's USPW dynasty.

Crayon, you are a genius. A sick twisted sexual deviant, but a genius nevertheless.

[Astil]

but...the rock chick...she thought about it for a second...that's one more second of thought than the entire roster puts in on a good day.

[alanreao]

A cat in a duck hat, I love it.

[crayon]

And here's part 3 of 3 (thankfully!)

KATHY NEPTUNE is on her way to the ring entrance with her twin sister JEN. Just before the curtain, she pulls Kathy aside.

Jen Neptune: I just want you to know that that I'm okay with you being in this match and not me.

Kathy Neptune: I didn't think it was a problem, but okay.

Jen Neptune: And if you did win in the match I could have been in, and therefore won, I also want you to know that I'm totally cool sharing John Awesome with you.

Kathy Neptune: Aw, thanks Jen, you're the most compassionate sister a girl could ask for. I guess?

They hug and then talk about their breasts for no reason. (Rating: C)


Honey Golightly: Why are all these girls going crazy for this guy? Could it be the work of some mysterious black magic? Tell me Vampella is behind this. Pleeease.

Sara Silver: I don't know. I think I'm starting to feel a connection with this John Awesome. It's almost like I know him.

Honey Golightly: Maybe that's because ninety percent of the show has revolved around him, so far?

http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/7449/diary100608kathyvslittltm1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

This match lasted 8 minutes and 47 seconds, which with the talent the in-ring possessed felt more like 8 minutes and 47 hours. All girls bumbled about for a while getting in an equal amount of theoretical “offense”.

At one stage the crowd started a “SISTER X-PAC” chant, directed towards Beth Mercy, who was generating a lot of unwanted heat.

Littlefeather tried to attack Beth Mercy with the side of her tommahawk, while the ref wasn't looking, but missed, hit the rope and had it bounce back into her face, knocking her out. Mercy was about to take advantage of this and go for the three-count when suddenly Jen pulled her out of the ring! Egged on by her sister, Kathy Neptune pinned Littlefeather for the victory. (Rating: F+)

JOHN AWESOME comes down to the ring and congratulates Kathy (and Jen by proxy) on getting to wax his johnson in the future. He celebrates by getting them to buy a bottle of top shelf WHISKEY (on BSC's tab, of course) and letting him drink it from their CLEAVAGE. Kathy is cutely embarrassed about it, but complies nonetheless.

John Awesome KNOCKS BACK bosom shooters for five minutes. (Rating: D+)

SUDDENLY he is interrupted by a voice we all know.

Honey Golightly: John Awesome, do NOT take one more sip!

HONEY GOLIGHTLY is standing up at the announce table, pointing a finger towards him ala Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney Of Justice.

http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/7281/diary110608honeygowrighew5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Sara Silver: What are you doing?

Honey Golightly: I'm doing what should have done a long time ago.

She takes off her headset and STORMS to the ring.

Honey Golightly: I've sat there all night and put up with this bull**** booking. I made excuses, I ignored things, I even tried to put over a match that revolved around a ****in' shoe, if you can believe that!

She looks at Jen and Kathy.

Honey Golightly: Girls, you can put your breasts down now.

Back to John Awesome.

Honey Golightly: And then you took Dharma Gregg, our best worker, and hit her with a cat—what's worse is that that it has the title! And then this? What's next? You pee in my eight year old kid's ear for the main event?

Sara Silver: Folks, this is the first time in BSC's history that Honey Golightly has snapped... AND IT IS FREAKIN' AWESOME!

John Awesome: So you don't like the show?

Honey Golightly: NO! It's as if you got a third-grade squirrel to write it. This is not what the fans paid to see. This self-mastabatory booking has got to end, right now.

John Awesome: Okay okay... It's done. No more problems, I promise.

Golightly glares at him for a while, and he drops his head in defeat. She begins leaving the ring, when she stops and turns.

Honey Golightly: Wait... What's the main event?

John Awesome: Roxy Kitten vs John Awesome.

Sara Silver: It looks like her head is going to pop open! Ahaha I can't stop laughing!

Honey Golightly: No no no no no!! You are not in the main event! No no no no no!

She calms herself down.

Honey Golightly: Listen, if you want to keep your job, you will put on a normal main event.

He goes to say something but she cuts him off.

Honey Golightly: —Normal workers. A Normal match; no stupid gimmicks. And normal F'ing booking. Can you do that?

John Awesome: Sure, if you wanna ****block these 300 fans here. I can't stop you.

Honey Golightly: I said Can you do it?

John Awesome: Yeah yeah yeah. Fine. You have my word that the Big Match won't be remotely interesting at all. I'll even come and sit at ringside to make sure nothing funny from the crowd happens.

John Awesome and Golightly stare each other down for a while longer, but she eventually leaves, satisfied with his answer. (Rating: F+)

Golightly returns to the announce table.

Sara Silver: Oooo, can you do that again?

http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/7701/diary110608roxyvscharlibs8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


ROXY and CHARLIZE, both dressed in skimpy lingerie, wrestle each other tentatively for the first few minutes of the match. Soon, John Awesome comes down to ringside and sets up a chair, overlooking the match.

Sara Silver: He said he was going to watch over the match, and I can't believe he's sticking to his word.

Honey Golightly: Well, I'm just pleased that we're seeing a good, old-fashioned, serious wrestling match between two women in lingerie. Just like how it's supposed to be.

Sara Silver: I wouldn't have minded seeing some shoes on heads, though.

Charlize gets what you might call the upper-hand, and locks in a sleeper hold. Which is apt because John Awesome starts YAWNING really obviously. Roxy attempts to stage a crowd-powered comeback, but it is undermined as John Awesome reaches under the ring and sleepily pulls out a BLANKET AND PILLOW.

Honey Golightly: What the hell is he doing?

Sara Silver: Keeping look out is an exhausting job. I guess watching for funny business has taken all his energy away.

Both girls try to ratchet it up a notch as he crawls into the ring and sets the pillow up in between the lower turnbuckles. Roxy even attempts a SUPLEX (which comes off more like a hug where both people fall backwards) to keep the excitement up, but nothing at this stage is able to keep John Awesome from curling up and dozing off to sleep.

Charlize and Roxy stand toe to toe and hit each other for a while, with each punch having less conviction, until they just STOP. Both of them leave the ring and run back to the locker rooms, full of shame. (Rating: E)

Sara Silver: Neither girl could keep John Awesome awake, and from the looks of the crowd, he's not the only one feeling sleepy!

FADE TO BLACK on the image of John Awesome peacefully sucking his thumb, while Golightly RAGES

Honey Golightly: He's made a mockery of this match! He's got no respect for this promotion! (etc etc)

(Show Rating: E-)

And that's the first ever John Awesome Presents Wrestling!!
We'll be having a look at the post-event fallout after this, and you can bet your ass that behind the scenes, people will have a lot of things to say.

[LoganRodzen]

This is probably the most original funny thing I've read in a long time. I really want to see John Awesome win BSC Queen Of The Ring. :o

You are one lucky man to be around all of those ladies... but after that show, I'd imagine they're all coming for your testicles. May need to hire bodyguards for yourself to continue the Awesome-ness. :D

[Orange-kun]

May need to hire bodyguards for yourself to continue the Awesome-ness. :D


Maybe John could pay five more dollars to his "spokesperson" and have him double as a body guard. ;)

Awesome story. The formatting, dialogue and mixture of action and dialogue are top notch! Plus it is super funny. All hail the kitty with a duck hat.

[Rathen4]

diary of the frigging month

[ShadowedFlames]

I so marked for the cat wearing a duck hat. EFFING PRICELESS!

[Nevermore]

...and the Leonard Cohen reference was sweet, dude. Laughed at a lot of it, though.

Quote The Raven
Nevermore

[Ping von Erich]

I call for John Awesome to be included in C-verse canon as booker for BSC in the next official update.

Anyone agree?





.. also cat in a duck hat.

.. maybe.

[crayon]

And here's the first of the after-show fallout!


THE SHOW was over. It had been a success, and gone without a hitch. Sure, I knew I'd pissed off a few people, but you don't get these kind of E- ratings by following an instruction manual. It wasn't until I'd packed up my pillow and headed backstage that I saw how Nixon the situation was. Twenty or so dames eyeballing me as if I'd just canceled a sale at Macy's. And that suit, Honey Golightly, was in the vicious epicenter of it all, like a peroxided war totem that was twenty years too old to be doing splits down a greased pole.

Blood had been spilt. And the sharks were circling.

“There is a lot to talk about,” she said.
She probably expected that I would back down with so much estrogen in the room. **** that, John Awesome don't back down from nothing.

I jumped through the nearest closed window.

Broken glass fell to the ally-way along with my tumbling body (OMG SICK BUMP). Loose change and stolen stationary spun from my pockets until I came to a stop, face down in a puddle of split liquor. Hey, tastes like beer; sweet!

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/4633/diary150608windowcrashvi9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
John Awesome makes his daring escape


Completely not fearful of the banshees I had left behind, I ran to the main strip and jumped in the nearest cab.
“Follow that car!” I yelled to the driver.
“Sure thing, mac,” he said, throwing his hot dog out the window.

I slumped into the back of the taxi, my bollocks able to breath a sigh of relief. They had lived to see the sun rise in the north once more.
After five minutes I looked out the window of the cab and noticed we hadn't moved from the spot. I had accidentally pointed at a parked car during my earlier instructions. I told him to follow one that was moving and fell asleep to the warm sound of asphalt.

* * * * *

HONEY Golightly was surprised to see me turn up in her office the next morning. I was a little, too; I thought I had checked into a Motel-6.

“What's shakin', toots? Have the networks made an offer yet?”
She threw a glass of water over me, glass still attached.
“How dare you show your face again after that abomination last night.”
“Ah that's all in the past. The past is like a checkup for herpes; I say, what's the use of it?”

“The past? The past? Thanks to you, BSC's image has gone completely down the drain. Two years of hard work has been undone in a night of foolishness. You ruined me; you ruined everyone! Where do you get off coming...”
As she continued to scream at me, i could see her boobs jiggling up and down with every wild gesture made. It was great.
“... like finding butter in your vag'!” she finished her eight minute speech by saying.

“Alright,” I tactfully replied. “But what if everything you just said... was made opposite?”
I folded my arms, quietly winning this one.
She obviously knew this and responded the only way possible: “That's it, you're done! Get out of here!”
“Fired?”
“Oh, you're more than fired. By the time I'm off the phone the only place you'll be able to get a job booking is in New Zealand!”

At the very crescendo of her threat my ass began to ring loudly. Much louder than it's ever rang before. Which is to say my ass has remained chime-free for many years. Golightly pushed me off her desk and snatched the portable phone out from underneath me.
“You see this?” she said, shoving the phone in my mug. “It's management from Piper Casino. They're the first of many I'm gonna have blackball you till you have to change your name to Teddy Hart.”

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/7537/diary150608johntoaustrayg2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Could this be where John Awesome ends up next??


She answered the phone on it's seventh ring, and immediately began runnin' her mouth.
“I want to apologize for last night. Our usual head booker was in a freak accident, and the replacement gave us a phoney resume. I just found out that he's been doing it all across town. Needless to say, you don't have to worry about him. He's been fired and it'll be back to normal next week.”

It was followed by verbs and nouns on the other side of the phone. I could see Golightly's spine go rigid and jaw tense as she listened. When she hung up the phone, her demeanor hadn't changed.

“I'm no expert at body language,” I said, “but I am an expert at being John ****in Awesome.”
“They said that the head of the casino, he... loved the show. They've already sold half their tickets for next week's.”
“Oh, well good luck with that, toots. I recall you speaking on something about me having to find a job booking in Australia.”

Her left eye began to twitch.
“They'll only have us back if you're part of the deal. You've still got your job.”
She could have spat gravel through clenched teeth with more ease.

It only took me a second to think about all the opportunities for free hooch this gig presented. I then threw up last nights opportunities all over her veneer desk.

I couldn't speak, but I managed to give the broad a thumbs up.

I may not (definitely won't) be able to keep a daily thing going with this, with MGS4, three shipments of dvds, new anime series, work, and modding/playing a normal game of TEW in my lap.. but all your positive comments have encouraged me to try my best to keep it rolling.

I'd suggest subscribing to the thread up top, if you wanna know where it goes, but don't want to be twiddling your thumbs each day wondering when that lazy bastard will get round to updating it :)

[mad5226]

you had me scared for a minute. I thought after just one show John Awesome was already fired. Anyway good luck with everything. I'll be the guy twidddling my thumbs wondering when that lazy bastard will update =)

[W3LSHY]

This is just awesome. In more ways than one. Its freakin hilarious :D You gotta carry it on :).

Random Member Of Crowd: Show us your melons!

I was nearly crying with laughter :D.

[crayon]

you had me scared for a minute. I thought after just one show John Awesome was already fired.

Not quite that soon. Gotta build the diary some prestige first haha.. However, that's not to say he couldn't get fired down the road and become the thorn in the side of another promotion... ;)

[Jaded]

Fantastic, especially the post-show fallout stuff! :)

[cyberkitten01]

This is the most amazing Diary ever..

[Dansc]

I feel a bit sorry for Honey Golightly...

[praguepride]

The polls were right: Awesome!

[Rathen4]

Don't be dead!

[Midnightnick]

This has got to be continued. Sheer brilliance. But John Awesome booking APW would be a sight.

[mjdgoldeneye]

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!

[Ping von Erich]

I.. ok, like.. I NEED more John Awesome.

NEED..






Please.

[Michael Wayne]

post more you bastert. Nevermind all these mods. Continue the diary.

[BuddyGarner]

I read the diary and I started laughing for no reason even at things that weren't funny whatsoever. In fact, I skimmed over most of the parts and just started laughing at random words and pictures.

Please post more pictures of bums, cats, and melons.

[mistaken]

crayon bring this back!!!