The Final Days of Robbie Retro

[mrnoun]

Urbana, Ohio, circa 2004.

Or, more metaphorically if less literally correct, SubUrbana, Ohio. And more geographically specific, though still grammatically incorrect in that it remains a sentence fragment, a ramshackle brown house on the outskirts of the town.

The house where Robbie "Retro" Jarzembowski lives, and from whence he would no doubt disapprove the hellaciously poor grammer heretofore used, were he, perhaps, an English teacher. But, in fact, Robbie is perhaps the furthest thing possible from an English teacher. Robbie is a professional wrestler.

Robbie is brushing his teeth, performing his morning libations in preparation for the usually unpleasant drive south to Dayton, where he shares a gym with several other SWF development talents. The drive, he figures, is worth it, if it helps him someday make it and enable him to move out of his mother's house.

Of course, his mother's house won't exist for much longer. Nor will the gym in Dayton. Nor, in fact, will Robbie Retro. But Robbie doesn't know any of this. No one does.

Well, almost no one.

***

Zûrich, Switzerland.

While Robbie was making the drive to Dayton, far more sinister events were underway in far-off Europe. I refer, of course, to the nefarious underworld activities of the Belgian national football team. But that is fodder for another story.

No, this story takes us somewhat south and east of grand old Antwerp, jewel of the Flemish swamp, to the cold Alpine mountains. Far beneath Mount Innererwitz is a hidden chamber, known only to a select handful of powerful individuals and any schmoe who reads this. On this occasion, the chamber was dark, and heavy with cigar smoke and malignancy, though it was difficult to tell which was which. Seated around a table were several figures, cloaked in the room's shadows.

A loud crash broke the oppressive silence. "Someone hit the lights," a voice called, "Danny's tripped again."

With the lights on, the faces, of course, became visible. But to reveal identities would of course spoil the narrative. Though in saying that, I in turn reveal that their identities are important to the narrative, which in turn could spoil the narrative itself. So just ignore this paragraph.

The six men and one woman took their places around the table and waited, expectantly.

Several minutes passed.

"So, uh, should we get started or something?" asked the one with the scars.

"Started with what?" asked the short one.

"I thought YOU called this meeting!" accused the one with the bad haircut.

"Me?" asked the one with the beard, looking perplexed.

"No, I was talking to him," answered the bad haircut.

"No, I didn't call this meeting," answered the other one with a beard, testily.

"Well, if none of you called the meeting... and I certainly didn't call the meeting..." started the one who, while he didn't have a beard, probably could have used a shave.

"*I* called it," said the woman, and the men immediately fell silent.

Several more minutes passed.

"So, uh... if you called the meeting... uh, what's it about?" broached the short one, at long last.

"Silence. He will be here soon. I have seen it," replied the woman, enigmatically. No, it's not Enygma in drag. Stop guessing. Go back up and reread the paragraph that says "ignore this paragraph", and this time, actually ignore it.

The men fell silent once again. The one with the bad haircut tinkered with his cell phone, but couldn't get reception several miles beneath a mountain.

Finally, the woman's words came to fruition. He arrived.

***

Dayton, Ohio.

"Guys, hold up a minute," Robbie says. "I think I tweaked my hammy."

He is, sadly, unaware that at that very moment, thousands of miles away, events are being set into motion that would lead inexorably to Robbie's death. And, incidentally, the annihilation of the entire universe as we know it, but that is only incidental to this narrative.

Wait, I think I have that last part backwards.

***

Littleton, Minnesota.

While Robbie and his fellow wrestlers met in Ohio, and the shadowy figures were meeting far beneath Mount Innererwitz, a third meeting was taking place, not entirely dissimilar to the other two. And by "not entirely dissimilar" I mean that all three meetings involve more than one person. Because that, at this point in the narrative, is about all they have in common. Though the three narrative threads will find a common theme by the end of the tale, I promise. Trust me.

Okay, maybe the Robbie Retro one is just there because he has a funny name. But the other two, I swear it!

The important point is, five young men were lounging around their tiny apartment, bored.

The first was named Charley Steckline by unkind parents. He was the math whiz of the group, able to count to three, and sometimes even as high as ten! He also, it was generally agreed, looked snazzy in a striped shirt.

Second was Irwin Krawchuk, who often got beaten up as a child, for obvious reasons. Irwin's claim to fame was that he had inexplicably dedicated his high school years to developing a pitch-perfect imitation of the Road Runner's call, using nothing but an ordinary box of tissues and three AA batteries. This magical, six-year oddysey earned him ample time in the psychoanalyst's office, but in a good light, could probably pass as something not entirely dissimilar to perseverance and attention to detail.

Third came the unfortunately named Kirby Stoppekotte. Kirby was held in awe by his fellow roommates as the only one of the group to have passed Public Speaking. Admittedly, it was with a D, but that was better than the rest had managed. It was he who had negotiated for an extension on their rent payment, which was badly overdue. Though they didn't actually get the extension, it was generally agreed that it wasn't Kirby's fault; the landlord's failure to accept the "Our dog ate it" excuse was clearly just a sign of how cold-hearted that individual was.

The fourth was called Mitch Wanous, and I bet you can imagine what he was called in grade school. Mitch was the financial wizard of the group, having run a lemonade stand for a brief period some years prior, and almost turning a profit on it. He was currently rummaging through the couch cushions, just another sign of his relative fiduciary brilliance.

Fifth and last was Sydney Wardrup, widely acknowledged as the creative one. Sydney's 36-chapter epic crossover fanfic "Mr. Bean Meets the Go-Bots" had received an unbelievable three reviews on fanfiction.net, a feat no other in the group could match.

These men were all broke, all unemployed, all on the verge of eviction, and most importantly, all poorly educated and gullible enough to think that the Professional Wrestling industry might solve those problems.

See? Pro Wrestling! Robbie Retro! And you didn't think I could tie them together!

***

Zûrich, Switzerland.

The Man in Black strode to the table and took a seat. The other men stared at him in amazement and confusion. The woman looked at nothing at all.

"So what's the job?" the Man in Black asked. The other men just looked at one another in confusion. "Didn't you call me here to hire me?"

"They did not summon you. I did," said the woman. "I see there is a problem only you can solve. The fate of the universe depends upon--"

"Aw, hell. Not another Armageddon? I'm getting so sick of those," the Man in Black interrupted.

The woman grew angry. "Yes, well, if you'd stop botching them, maybe--"

"Botch them? Since when have I ever botched a job?"

"What about the time travel job? We sent you back in time to kill Hitler!"

"I just got a little confused. The guy said, 'Ich bin ein Berliner', after all."

"Look, the point is, this is the Big One. We need you at your best."

"All right, all right. So what're you gonna pay me?"

The woman calmed down and returned to her usual monotone. "I, as you know, have no money. But these gentlemen will more than adequately compensate you."

"Now wait just a damn minute there, missy," said the second guy with the beard. "I'm not paying this fella, or anyone else, for that matter, a single penny without knowing what I'm payin' him for!" There was general assent around the table among the other men.

"I have seen. The end of the world approaches. This man can fix it," answered the woman.

"So why should I pay for it? Seems to me, EVERYONE should be payin', not just us. Why don't you go ask some buggers who can afford it, stop pickin' on the small businessman?" prodded the second guy with the beard, who was beginning to get on everyone's nerves with his inconsistent accent.

"Pardon. I can't help wondering. What do you mean, 'I have seen'?" asked the man who could use a shave, during the ensuing pause in the conversation.

"She's the Seeress. She sees the future. It's what she does," replied the Man in Black. "I suggest you take her advice. She's never wrong." The Man in Black paused. "Well, once. But that was a special circumstance."

"The Yankees were up 3-0. How could they lose?" mumbled the Seeress to herself.

"I don't believe in that nonsense! This is absurd!" burst the man with the bad haircut.

"I know! I have a perfect test!" interjected the short one, tossing a coin in the air.

"Heads," said the Seeress.

"Heads it is!"

"Wow!"

"Amazing!"

"How did you do that?"

"Unbelievable!"

"Okay," the second one with a beard grudgingly admitted, "It looks like you're the real deal. But still, why us?"

"Allow me to explain the task, and I believe you will come to understand," answered the Seeress. "First, know that the Antichrist is alive and well, and walking in the world as we speak. I cannot see his identity, for his power cloaks him from me, but I am aware of his presence. And I can tell what form he will take when he reaches his full power: that of a wrestling promoter."

The men around the table nodded as if this made perfect sense. Then the Man in Black frowned and looked at the Seeress. "Wait a minute. A wrestling promoter? Is this some kind of joke?"

"Hardly. The Ultimate Evil will be a wrestling promoter. I have seen it. And further, I see the path by which he rises to power. And there is only one thing that can stop him." She turned to face the Man in Black. "I tell you, you must see to it that when the Antichrist comes into his full powers, the Eisen family must not control the most powerful wrestling promotion, or we will have failed."

"So... what? You want me to kill the Eisens? That should be easy enough."

"No! The Eisens must not be killed; that would be disaster for us. No, they merely need to be humbled." The other men at the table, dubious at first, seemed to warm to this idea.

"So how am I supposed to do it, then?"

"I suggest finding a job in the industry, and helping that company compete with Eisen, and hopefully topple his empire."

"Wait, you want me to take some crappy job for a wrestling company? THAT'S the big world-saving task you needed me for? The Slayer of Morak the Indestructible? The Thief of the Gem of Amazar? The One Who Convinced the Democrats Dukakis Was a Viable Presidential Candidate? And THIS is the task you have for me?"

"It pays really well."

"I'm in."

"Good. Here's what we'll do: I suggest you stay away from the more established companys, as agents of The Enemy will be on the lookout for possible activity on our part. Try to find someplace small and nondescript. These gentlemen," the Seeress indicated those seated around the table, "will quietly funnel money to your company, laundered through a third party to throw off the scent, to help you build into a legitimate threat. With adequate financial backing and your own natural abilities, you should be well capable of toppling Eisen before the rise of the Antichrist."

"When, exactly, will the Antichrist rise?"

The Seeress paused for a long moment, then pulled out a notebook and started flipping through it.

"Wait a minute," interjected the one with a bad haircut. "You're not blind? I thought all you seer-types were supposed to be blind! What a ripoff!"

"Shut up, runt," sneered the one with the scars.

"What did you call me?!" shrieked the one with the bad haircut.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen," the Man in Black said, trying to calm them, "please remember, we're all on the same side now."

"Er, about that," said the Seeress, still searching the notebook. "They'll be funnelling you money to start up with, of course, but they really can't publically aid you in any way. In fact, they will have to appear to be competing with you, or The Enemy will know something is amiss. So you'll be entirely on your own, after the initial startup money. Ah, here it is!"

"You've found the date of the Antichrist's emergence?"

"Yes. It says... 'Answer cloudy. Please try again.' Damn, I hate when it says that."

"I still wanna know why she isn't blind," said the one with a bad haircut.

"Well... we do know one thing: the Antichrist cannot arise until after the Seven Signs. And we also know there haven't been any signs yet. So you have some time, at least. Hopefully, it will be enough."

"I mean, couldn't she at least be missing one eye? It really would make me feel better."

"But if we waste any more of it, it may not be enough. So go, now, and may the Powers bless you! And the rest of you gentlemen, you have your tasks as well: get the money, and find a way to get it to our agent cleanly."

There were nods around the table, ranging from uncomfortable resignation to steely determination.

***

Dayton, Ohio.

Robbie and his buddies break for lunch at that very same moment. Little did he know that... aw, hell. The Robbie Retro bits aren't really doing much to help the story along, are they?

***

Littleton, Minnesota

"So, uh, you guys want to start up a wrestling company or something?"

"Nope."
"Nah."
"Meh."
"Wrestling sucks."

"Well, we're dead broke, the rent is way overdue, and we're getting evicted Wednesday. It's wrestling or real jobs."

"Wrestling Rules!"
"I'm in."
"Yeah!"
"Me too!"

[H Effect]

lol...i literally giggled at least three times and fully laughed once in that thing....i got funnyu looks from my family and i love it...keep up the good work.

[mrnoun]

The Final Days of Robbie Retro
-or-
The Last Cornellverse Diary

SUMMARY: This diary deals with the End Times. The mysterious Man in Black enlists the aid of five unlikely young men to complete his mission and bring the Eisen empire to its knees.

PROMOTION: "Five Guys Wrestling", FGW. The guys aren't very good with names.
--Location: Great Lakes, USA.
--Prestige: 0
--Overness: 5% Great Lakes, 0% elsewhere.
--Staff: The five guys. The Man in Black will be the User Character.
--Style: Cutting Edge. Sydney came up with the idea when Irwin kept insisting on cutting the crusts off his sandwiches.
--Starting Money: $60,000. $10,000 from each of the mysterious men at the meeting. Though it was like pulling teeth getting Beard Guy #2's money.

CHARACTERS:
--All skills are randomly determined by the simple process of rolling two dice. The character's area of expertise gets a 30-point bonus. Each also takes a $200 a month salary from the company to pay their share of the rent. This will increase as the company increases in size. The characters' skill in their area of expertise will also increase by a random amount when the company levels up.

--Charley Steckline, the referee. Possibly the single blandest person ever born, but he looks good in a striped shirt (+30 Ref, +30 Looks).
--Irwin Krawchuk, the road agent. Meticulous or obsessive-compulsive, depending on whether you ask his mother or his psychiatrist. (+30 Psych, Driven)
--Kirby Stoppekotte, the announcer. Managed a D in Public Speaking, handily beating out all his roommates' grades. (+30 Mic, +30 Respect, Manipulative)
--Mitch Wanous, the owner. The only one with business experience, having owned a lemonade stand. Speaks fluent Swahili, which alas, is not in the game data. (+30 Business, Professional)
--Sydney Wardrup, the writer. Long-winded and self-important, just like the narrator! (+30 Booking, Egomaniac, Free Spirit)

SPECIAL RULES:
Each month, there is a small random chance that one of the Seven Signs will emerge. These will be represented by edits to the appropriate game regions: if, for example, massive earthquakes destroy Los Angeles and San Fransisco, the Southwest region will be altered to reflect the much smaller surviving fanbase.

If at any time after the seventh sign an Eisen owns the "biggest" promotion (having the most prestige, or winning Best Promotion), the game ends. If the Eisens get put out of business, the game ends. Which one constitutes a victory will be left as an exercise for the reader.

Please forgive me if updates are infrequent; this writing style is somewhat time consuming.

[Number_Six]

Brilliant. Hilarious. Two thumbs up.

I take it you've experienced that unpleasant drive into Dayton a few times?

[mrnoun]

>>I take it you've experienced that unpleasant drive into Dayton a few times?

Actually, not that particular drive. I did pass through Dayton a couple years ago while driving cross-country (and again on the return trip), and the traffic is unpleasant. But I'm from Massachussetts, so I was really drawing on my experiences heading into Boston for inspiration.

I set this diary (wait, what do you call it here? A dynasty? Every site uses different jargon) dynasty in the mid-west because (A) there's no indy in the mid-west in the Cornellverse, and (B) if I set it in New England, it would turn into a bunch of in-jokes and unprovoked potshots at those worthless scumbags from New Hampshire. Whoops! Ignore that.

[mrnoun]

Late 2005: Littleton, Minnesota.

"So, uh, guys... you know how we started a wrestling promotion?"

"Uh... yeah? That's why the investors gave us all this money. Hey, pass the caviar, Chuck."

"No prob, here ya go... what a bunch of suckers!"

"Well, uh, do you guys think we should possibly, maybe, you know, run a show or something?"

"Nope."
"Nah."
"Meh."
"Wrestling sucks."

"That was the SEC on the phone."

"Cool! Did my Kentucky Wildcats season tickets come in?"

"Uh, not that SEC. Seems our investors' money has just about run out, and we haven't actually, you know, delivered a product. They said something about 'fraud'."

"Let's run a wrestling show!"
"I'm in!"
"Yeah!"
"Wrestling rocks!"

***

One week later.

"So, uh, what qualifications do you have to run a wrestling show, Mr... uh... In Black?" Mitch asked the mysterious stranger.

"Well, I once gutted a man just for asking too many questions. I think that makes me highly qualified to run any kind of business," replied the Man In Black.

"How does... er, I mean, welcome aboard, sir!"

And so the Man In Black took his place at the head of FGW.

***

"So let me see if I can get this straight," said the Man In Black. "If we have less than ten... uh, wrestling guys... what did you say the word for them was, again?"

"Workers."

"Yeah, worker guys. If we have less than ten of them, people will think we aren't a serious company. Right?"

"Right. They'll think we're small time."

"But we ARE small time."

"The trick is not to let them know that."

"Oh, okay. So we need to hire ten of the guys on this list, whom we have contacted for meetings. Preferably the cheapest. Who's first?"

There came at that moment a knock on the office door. Mitch and the Man In Black looked up. "That would be, uh... Kurt Hutchcraft, more popularly known as "American Elemental". He's a bit early for his meeting, but that's okay. Come in!"

A depressingly skinny man of about 5-foot-2 came in, adjusting his glasses. "Uh, is this the Medallion Insurance Company building?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid this is no longer the Medallion Insurance Company building. They found that they no longer had a use for the building, so now we're using it," replied the Man In Black, who had seen to it that the company in fact did not have a use any longer for the building.

"Is there any chance they left a forwarding address or something? I was supposed to have a job interview, but they never got back to me," said the small man.

"Well, I don't happen to have their forwarding address at hand, but I'll see what I can do to you. Come along, we'll head down to the Records room and I'll see if I can send you on your way to join them," said the Man In Black, checking his suit pocket to make sure he had his knife.

***

Some time later, having changed his suit to hide the bloodstains, the Man In Black returned to the office to rejoin Mitch.

"Perfect timing, Kurt just called on his cell. He was having trouble finding the building because he's never been in the area, but he should be here any minute."

"So what's with the whole 'American Elemental' thing?"

"I dunno. Some Japanese crap."

"Oh, his name didn't sound Japanese."

"He's not. Well, I don't think he is. I think he just likes the slant-eyed bastards for some reason."

"In that case, I'd suggest not calling them 'slant-eyed bastards' during the meeting."

"That must be him at the door now," said Mitch as someone knocked at the door. "Come in!"

This time, the man who entered was a little more promising. While not exactly a professional body builder, the man at least looked like an athlete, and was only a shade under 6 feet. While his suit was cheaply made, he had at least made the effort. But what was most striking about him was the bright red, white and blue mask.

"Welcome, welcome! I trust you had no difficulties finding the room?" asked Mitch.

"Oh, no, no problem at all. Your secretary downstairs pointed me in just the right direction," answered Hutchcraft.

"Oh, good. Well, if you'll have a seat, we can get started, Mr. Hutchcraft--"

"No, call me Elemental."

"Uh, we'd prefer to keep this on a serious business level--"

"So would I. If I wanted things to be friendly, I'd have asked you to call me American. I had my name legally changed for copyright purposes, you see."

"Er... okay... Mr. Elemental it is, then," said Mitch, dubiously.

"What's with the mask?" blurted the Man In Black.

"What mask?" asked Elemental.

"Um, the mask you're wearing."

"I'm wearing a mask?" asked Elemental, reaching up to feel his face. "Oh, why so I am! I hadn't even realized I still had this old thing on. You know how it is: after a while, you just get used to it, it becomes like a second skin, you don't even notice it."

"So, what do you have to offer our company?"

"I work cheap."

"Thank you, I believe that is all we need to know for now. And let me tell you, at this point, you are the leading candidate for the position."

The men shook hands and Elemental thanked them for the opportunity, then he left the office. "One thing still confuses me, though," said the Man In Black.

"What's that?"

"When did we hire a secretary?"

And so, the hiring process continued...

[Midnightnick]

Why am I imagining American Elemental as Warrior now? This is an awesome diary. I'll be reading.

[mrnoun]

Selected highlights from other interviews:

"So your name is Hell Monkey."

"Correct."

"And you want how much money, again?"

"1100 a show should be about right."

"And your name is... Hell Monkey?"

"That's right."

"And you want 1100 a show."

"Correct."

"1100 a show, for a guy named Hell Monkey."

"Again, that's right."

"Get out of my office."

***

"So... Thomas Morgan, is it?"

"That's correct, sir."

"Good, good. Tommy, we're thinking--"

"Thomas."

"Hmm?"

'Thomas, not Tommy."

"Oh, okay. Tommy, we're thinking--"

"Wait, are you TRYING to antagonize me, little man?"

"Big words, from someone who's been on the unemployment line for months."

"Sorry, sir. Tommy is fine."

***

"Ah, Mr... Brendan Idol, is it? Is that your real name?"

"No, sir. I changed it from Brendan Gravenbeel."

"Well, that's perfectly understandable. And you'll work how cheap?"

***

"Ah, Mr. Nelson, welcome. Shane, is it?"

"Hello!"

"Yes, hello Mr. Nelson. Is it okay if I call you Shane?"

"Hello!"

"Um, hello..."

"My name is Shane! What's yours?"

"Um... you'll work how cheap?"

***

"Marcelino Calcatarra... am I pronouncing that right?"

"Me llaman Champán Lover. I no speakuh di good Anglish."

"Um... you work how cheap?"

***

"Vinnie 'Black Eagle' Ventrone?"

"Yeah, what's it to ya, ya moof?"

"So how many times did you fail the fireman's exam?"

"What you sayin' 'bout me?"

"Nothing, nothing, just talking to myself. What kind of wage were you looking for?"

***

"John Greed. Is that your real name?"

"Oddly enough, yes."

"I suppose with a name like that, you don't work cheap."

"You'd be surprised."

***

"So you're 19, and you still call yourself Mikey?"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"No wonder you had to get a black belt. How cheap do you work?"

***

"Welcome, Mr. Speed. Hopefully, we'll be able to get this meeting over with quickly."

"Please don't make puns about my name."

"The let's just cut to the quick. What kind of a wage are you hoping to run here?"

***

"Mario Heroic... that can't be your real name."

"Actually, I changed it for legal reasons."

"Oh, we've got another guy who had to change his for copyright reasons, too."

"No, not copyright reasons. I killed a hooker in Tijuana."

***

And so, the initial roster was set.

[That Crazy Guy]

Freaking hilarious.
Best lines by far:
"No, not copyright reasons. I killed a hooker in Tijuana."
"Big words, from someone who's been on the unemployment line for months."
But the winner is...
"So your name is Hell Monkey."

"Correct."

"And you want how much money, again?"

"1100 a show should be about right."

"And your name is... Hell Monkey?"

"That's right."

"And you want 1100 a show."

"Correct."

"1100 a show, for a guy named Hell Monkey."


Sign Hell Monkey, and push Mikey James.

[mrnoun]

Friday, 1 December 05

Sixteen sat, surrounding the table. It was the new company's first full meeting. The Man In Black scanned the faces, trying to familiarize himself with his new employers and underlings.

First, of course, were the five guys. Charley wasn't really paying attention to the meeting, but he was sporting a particularly nice striped shirt that day, so no one minded. Irwin was quietly making Road Runner noises to himself. Mitch was looking through his notes, trying to at least make a show of professionality. And Sydney was trying to convince Kirby that a Mr. Bean based character would get over.

Across the table was Vinnie Ventrone, who would be adopting his Plague persona for the company. As one of the company's more experienced and well-respected workers, he would be taking charge of the locker room. He had a small but fanatical fanbase, even in the midwest, who would go out of their way to buy his indy tapes. This made him ideal main event fodder.

But Vinnie wasn't particularly good at working the crowd. He needed an opposite number who could cover for those flaws. The perfect pick for the role was Mario Heroic. The Man In Black found he rather liked Mario, a happy-go-lucky sort who couldn't even be phased by the haunting memory of the death screams of a hooker. With solid in-ring abilities and one of wrestling's most memorable catchphrases, Mario was as close to a sure thing as anyone in the business.

Young Marcelino Calcatarra would be reprising his role as Champagne Lover which had met with such success in Mexico. Without a strong command of the local language, however, he would have to rely on his solid in-ring skills instead of his charisma.

Opposite Lover sat American Elemental, the weirdo who never took his mask off. Like Marcelino, he had solid in-ring skills, but balanced them with a good grasp of his native tongue. The two would fill the upper-midcard role.

Next came Brendan Idol, a young kid with plenty of potential as an all-around performer, but who hadn't yet come close to filling it. He would be playing a midcard role as the little guy who keeps getting picked on, but never gives up.

Opposite Idol was Mikey James, another youngster in need of serious development. Mikey lacked Brendan's spark of charisma, but had a much stronger athletic background. He would be playing a comedy midcard role in hopes of developing some onscreen personality: a dorky kid who pretended to be a ninja, but was always getting beaten up by the bigger guys.

Filling the first opening tag team role would be the unlikely pairing of Marc Speed and John Greed: Greed for Speed. Speed, a serious, no-nonsense performer with a solid grounding in submission wrestling, would take the role of a sly, urban schemer from the big city of St. Paul. Greed, a natural joker with a knack for getting along with people, would play his comedy relief sidekick.

Opposing them was the face duo Trademark Style: slick, polished veteran "Trademark" Tommy Morgan would keep the team grounded, while flashy youngster "Stylin'" Shane Nelson, a mild idiot savant, would provide the flashy high-flying and athleticism. They would play a couple of fun-loving guys who just like to go out and party.

The Man In Black didn't know much about wrestling, but he was pretty sure this wasn't the greatest group of talent ever assembled. But still, it would have to do. And from what he could tell, a couple of these guys had pretty good reputations; maybe they could get the job done after all. With a sigh, he called the meeting to order.

"Afternoon, all, I'm glad you could all make it today. We have a few things to go over; hopefully it won't take too long. First off, I hope you all have Saturday night free, because we're going to be trying to run a show."

"Hello!"

"...yes. Hello Shane."

"I work for CGC!"

"No, no Shane. You work for CGC next Saturday. This Saturday you're free."

"Okay, mister!"

"Anyone else?" Mario looked up from translating for Champagne Lover and shook his head no, SOTBPW didn't have a show. "How about you, Vinnie?"

"Nah, CZCW runs Mondays."

"All right, we're pushing ahead with the Saturday plan. Kirby, how are those flyers coming along?"

"Saturday night, Five Guys Wrestling. Just like you said, boss."

"Uh, boss?"

"Yes, John?" The Man In Black prepared for the worst.

"Don't you kinda think... Five Guys Wrestling kinda sounds like the title of a gay porn video?" As stupid as the line was, there were snickers around the table; it's all in the delivery, and John had the knack.

"Yeah, and Burning Hammer doesn't," replied the Man In Black, who didn't. Somewhere, a cricket chirped. "Ahem. Getting back to business. Mitch and I have been going over the books, and it seems likely, given our current situation, that we're going to end the year in the red. Our goal is to break even, but we can manage a small loss. Anything up to about $60,000 is acceptable. Because we have that leeway, our primary focus will be on building a brand name and giving the fans a reason to want to spend money on us."

What Mitch had actually said was, "Dude, we've got like 60 grand to burn, don't sweat the money too much. Just pay us our share and make sure we don't go into debt, because that would totally screw with our credit ratings, and they already, like, suck. Oh, and if you can get our names out there, that would be totally awesome, cause it would rock to go up to some chick and be all like, 'Yeah, I own a wrestling company,' and they'd be all like, 'Yeah? Which one?' and then I tell them and like they totally recognize it and I get to nail them!"

The Man In Black continued the meeting. "All right, I think that's it for old business... anyone else have any issues to bring up? No? Then let's get this show planned."

***

Card for Saturday, 1 December 2005: FGW Pays the Bills

Mario Heroic vs. Plague for the Five Guys Championship (D Heat)
American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja (E)
Brendan Idol vs. Champagne Lover (F)
Need for Greed vs. Trademark Style (F)

[Midnightnick]

My predictions.

Plague
Am Em.
Idol
Need for Greed

[mrnoun]

Saturday, 1 December 2005: The Armory at Littleton, Minnesota

"Hey, look! Someone actually showed up!"

"Mitch says we sold 44 tickets. That's, uh, 44 times something dollars. How much were we selling them for again?"

"Not enough. We're going to be losing money tonight. But that's okay, that's part of the plan. Are John and Marc ready? They're supposed to warm up the crowd."

***

In the ring, John and Marc were telling the crowd how unbearably dull a little hick town in the middle of nowhere like Littleton was, compared to the hustle and bustle of St. Paul. The crowd, having been stuck in Littleton their whole lives, shrugged and admitted they were probably right. So much for heel heat. (F)

Out came Trademark Style, apparently to defend the honor of small towns everywhere. Because nothing says "Small town" quite like a mildly retarded guy hugging the referee, then beating the stuffing out of someone. Marc Speed went over with a handful of tights, to utter indifference from the crowd. (E)

Next up was Brendan Idol, who wanted to prove he could hang with the big boys by challenging the biggest man on the roster: Champagne Lover. The crowd had to admit that yep, Brendan's kind of small. But the other guy wasn't that big, so what was the point? (E)

Lover came out and made short work of Brendan, finishing with the Champagne Breakfast. The crowd rather liked Lover, who actually looked like a real wrestler. (D)

A video showed American Elemental stopping for coffee and a bagel earlier in the day, still wearing his mask. (D)

Elemental then came out and fought Mikey the Ninja, winning fairly easily. More importantly, the crowd rather enjoyed the matchup of the two comedy acts, who played well off each other. (C-)

Next was the headliner: Mario Heroic vs. Plague. A wild, back-and-forth aerial battle ended with a Hero Attack for the pin and the title. (C)

After the match, an embarrassed Plague nailed Heroic from behind as he celebrated. A (too) lengthy beatdown followed, while the crowd filed out, not aware the show wasn't over. (F)

Overall: C-

"Boss," said Mario at the post-show staff meeting. "Just a couple things... Charley, well, he looks good in a striped shirt... but he sucks as a ref. You see how many times he missed his cues? He nearly botched the three count in the title match! And Irwin... well, he's meticulous and he works hard, but frankly, he doesn't know anything about wrestling. And did you hear Kirby's commentary? We really need better staff, across the board."

"I'll look into it, but for now, I think we should use those guys, since we have to pay them anyways. Is there any good news?"

"Well, Elemental and Mikey, they were supposed to just wrestle an extended squash. But you saw that match: they really complemented each other well. I think we should milk that matchup for all it's worth. Brendan Idol didn't look good at first, but by the end of the match he seemed to be getting into the flow of it much better, for what it's worth. A couple of the fans mentioned on their way out that they'd like to see us again; Elemental and I came out of the show looking particularly good."

Mitch interjected at this point. "The bad news is, we lost a bundle on the show. $4000 in wages, plus $700 for arena rental and incidental expenses, while we only brought in $88 in ticket sales. We're going to have to do something about that."

"All right... now that we've done our introductory show, we'll cut back to quick, half-hour specials and use minimal talent on each show, to reduce our per-show losses. I know I said we could afford a loss, but $5000 is a bit too much. Any suggestions for our next show?"

"I say we run Elemental/Mikey again, and work in Brendan, so he can apply what he learned tonight," said Mario.

"Good suggestions," said Mitch. "Those guys are all incredibly cheap. We should run Brendan out there with John, to minimize our wages."

"Hey, I like a paycheck as much as the next guy," said John, "but we should be sending Brendan out there against a veteran who can teach him more than I can. I think we can afford to use Vinnie without going bankrupt. Vinnie or Lover; Brendan and Lover worked well enough together last time."

"Actually, I was planning to try running another show on Monday. You're working the CZCW show Monday night, right, Vinnie?"

"Of course. They pay me a lot more'n you do."

"So it's Lover, then."

Sydney spoke up. "I don't like the idea of running a show without a name main eventer. We can afford running Mario out there, can't we? It'll boost ticket sales, and make the fans happier."

"Okay, so we're looking at Elemental/Mikey, and Brendan/Mario, on Monday. Any other suggestions?"

"One question, boss... won't running so many shows in such a short period of time burn out the local crowd?"

"Hmm... you think so? Oh, well, we can pop over the border into North Dakota, can't we? They've never seen us over there."

***

Card for Monday, 2 December 2005: FGW Pays the Bills

American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja
Mario Heroic (c) vs. Brendan Idol for the Five Guys Championship

[Midnightnick]

That was a good show. Congrats on having Mikey and Elemental complement each other.


American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja
Mario Heroic (c) vs. Brendan Idol

[Number_Six]

A MR. BEAN BASED CHARACTER!!!

Your reading audience now demands this. It is the will of the people.

[mrnoun]

1 December 2005: This Week in Pro Wrestling

Over in jolly old Britain, the well-known powerhouse Travis Cool won the 21CW Strong Style championship at Psycho Circus, in front of 300 mildly entertained Londoners (C- show).

Up in Scotland, Geordie Jimmy took over as head booker of MOSC and brought the Tower of London, Danny Patterson, with him. 1700... Edinburoughites? Edinburgers? Edin... whatevers... watched a solid show as Joss Thompson retained the championship against the Highland Warrior. (C)

In the Midlands, Walter "Stretcher" Morgan was given the head job in RoF, and announced a show scheduled for two weeks from Sunday.

In mainland Europe, UCR announced they would be killing off their women's division, releasing Miss Information, Anna Ki, Alpha Female, Speedy Marie, Jeri Behr, and Cannonball Logan, who is apparently a little girly man, according to head booker Herschel the Hammer. On Thursday, 4731 turned out in Antwerp, despite the machinations of the Belgian National Football Team, to watch a solid but unspectacular show. (C) The next day in Danzig, a mere 2000 showed up, and the dead crowd hurt some of the performances. (C-)

Over in Japan, Burning Hammer had a 15,000 fan sell-out witness Raul Hughes retain against Eiji Hamacho. Always nice to see the most presitgious championship in Japan around the waist of an American. U! S! A! U! S! A! (B)

Meanwhile, PGHW cut loose Hito Ichihara, and promptly rose to National size. Coincidence? I think not. Hito Ichihara: single-handedly holding back wrestling promotions for 48 years. At King's Road, Buddy Garner defeated Noriyori Sanda for the Historical Japan title, putting yet another prestigious Japanese title in American hands. U! S! A! U! S! A! (B)

Golden Canvas Grappling announced a BIG signing this past week, in that Eisuke Yoshinobu apparently put on a LOT of weight after his knee injury. 2000 filled a bingo hall to near fire hazard proportions to witness a mediocre tag main event, but were preasantly surprised when Toshiharu Hyobanshi and Takayuki 2000 stole the show on the undercard. (C+)

WLW brought in good old Sadakuno Nishimuraya, because you can never have enough guys who use the clawhold. It's the closest thing to pure gold in the modern wrestling industry. Meanwhile, Kurofuji's insistence on pushing Boogerman, Masked Couger, and The Tic is going to hurt that company someday, and Awesome Thunder won't always be around to bail them out at the end of the show. (C)

Ryu Kajahara promised us garbage, then nearly delivered the match of the week, a wild brawl with Ohishi. Somehow, they managed to spoil it, thanks to the strange booking choice of a "no contest" finish. But hey, the geezers can still go. (C)

On the women's side of things, 5-Star spent the week retooling their support staff, bringing aboard Mr. Miwa, Katsuhiko Shunsen, Takayuki Kajiwara, and... Hito Ichihara. Expect 5-Star to shut down within a year. Hito Ichihara: killing thriving Independent promotions for 48 years.

Way down Mexico way, MPWF made some minor adjustments backstage, bringing aboard Luis Montero and Teadoro Nieto.

OLLIE had a more interesting week, pulling in just over 4000 fans for a solid show featuring three title defenses. Topping the card were El Critico and El Leon, with Jaime Shermano capturing the title from the Lion in another contender for match of the week. (C+)

Things were quiet South of the Border, with the only news being two of their bigger stars, Champagne Lover and Mario Heroic, inexplicably deciding to work a show for some two-bit, no-name promotion in the US.

In the Great White North, 4C also had a fairly quiet week. They did, however, bring aboard the lovely and talented Emma Chase, which means there are now two reasons to watch their shows.

Over in Winnipeg, CGC drew just under 10,000 to watch Ricky and Steve DeColt go to a double DQ with DaLay and Maverick, as the never-ending DeColt-Elite feud drags on and on and on and on. And on. And on. (C+)

Up North of the Border, the Stone family dipped into the Indy scene to bring in some new faces, and one old heel, this week: Matty Phatty, Jakki White Trash, Ted Ross, and Johnny Bloodstone. Wednesday night's main event, however, was given away early after Edd Stone and Dan Stone Jr. both lost earlier in the show. No one bought for a second that Jeremy Stone and Sean McFly were going to lose, too. (B-)

Scanning the American Indy scene, the big story is out of CZCW, where Cliff Anderson apparently lost a bet or something and had to give Herb Stately a job as head booker. They continued their tour of high school gyms, drawing 300 for a show stolen by Plague and Insane Machine in the midcard. (C)

Heading east, the big news in USPW was, of course, the loss of National Champion Johnny Bloodstone. But the even bigger news, that shook the entire wrestling world... Giant Redwood jobbed. (C)

Heading north a bit, Rip Chord had a quiet week. Wanting to at least get a mention in this column, though, he fired Persephone.

Up in New York, things were a little more hectic. First was the reshuffling at the top of the promotion, as Deano Machino was brought in as head booker. Dean's first move was cutting loose Marv Earnest. He followed that up with a surprisingly solid debut show, entertaining 300 lucky fans in Poughkeepsie with an American Buffalo/Travis Century main event. (C+)

On the womens' side, AAA cut loose Ellie May Walton and used her salary to bring aboard ref Ryan Holland. A lackluster show on Tuesday was stolen by Glorious Power and Good Lookin' Bunny, despite a cheap finish. (C-)

DAVE's big story was the loss of half their roster, of course. But they still went out and put on a show. And as long as they keep Bryan Holmes, and keep pushing him, they should remain viable. (B-)

TCW played a minor role this week, signing Corporal Doom, Shane Sneer, and Carl Batch. On Tuesday, Cornell and Johnson blew away the competition for match of the week. (B+)

But the real winner this week was SWF. The Eisens signed away the Human Arsenal, Henry Lee, Joey Minnesota, Craig Prince, Vin Tanner, Danny B Bling, Wanda Fish, Jenny Playmate, Dawn the Cheerleader, and backstage workers Dylan Sidle and Micky Starr. And with all that, they still put on a solid show top to bottom on Tuesday, with Jack Bruce going over Joe Sexy for the North American championship. (B+)

How about that!

***

Robbie Retro Watch: Robbie, Bart Biggz, and Groucho Bling went over Flex, Pecs, and Andre Jones this week. (C)

[Number_Six]

What did Bart Goor and Mbo Mpenza ever do to you?

I predict a stable of Belgians hellbent on revenge invading FGW any day now.... any day.

[mrnoun]

Monday, 2 December 2005

Blumen, North Dakota. Population 4156. Not exactly the cultural center of North Dakota, but then, if you're looking for the cultural center of North Dakota, you're probably bound for disappointment anyways.

The Blumen Municipal High School Gymnasium was dingy, poorly lit, and, for reasons which this narrator would not care to discover, smelled vaguely of cat urine.

"You know, I've been wondering, why don't you just bring a knife to the ring? Yeah, you'd get DQ'd, but once everyone else in the company was dead, you'd be sure to be the #1 guy."

"Uh, that's kinda not the point, boss," answered Mario. "You see, the guys aren't really trying to hurt each other. They're just pretending. Didn't anyone tell you?"

"Oh. I guess that makes sense. And it explains why you killed the hooker in Tijuana."

***

Now that he had gasped the whole "wrestling is fake" thing, the Man In Black could fix some problems. First, he told Mario that he was now in charge of helping the guys set up their matches. Irwin just didn't have the knack. Next, he pulled Kirby from announcing duty, and let no-nonsense Tommy take play-by-play, with John on color.

"On the plus side, we don't have to worry about getting nervous in front of large crowds," cracked John. The gym couldn't hold many people, but even taking that into account, the crowd of 14 was a bit... sparse.

"Don't worry, they'll get bigger once we get out name out there and start building a reputation," said Tommy, reasonably but unhelpfully.

"Yeah. Someday we'll be playing in front of 14 NBA players," answered John, who didn't know when to quit.

Finally the show started, with Mikey the Ninja in the ring, giving a martial arts exhibition. A particularly bad martial arts exhibition. At last, he was interrupted by American Elemental, who threatened to show him some REAL martial arts. (D)

The subsequent match between the two was just as solid as their debut, boosted somewhat by John's wisecracks at Elemental's expense. The lack of a competent referee continued to stand out, though. Elemental picked up the win. (C-)

Next, Mario came out to give his new catchphrase a try. It didn't go over very well with the conservative midwestern crowd. (F)

Possibly distracted by the projectiles being thrown into the ring, or more likely, the guy in the back calling the police, Mario and Brendan put on a terrible match. Mario retained the title with the Hero Attack. (D)

Overall: D.

"Well, that didn't work out too well."

"Now, don't say that. The guy in blue said he'd be keeping his eye on us, for sure."

"Yes, but he was a police officer."

"Come on. He obviously enjoyed our show. He didn't even arrest any of us!"

"Okay guys, cut the crap. Mitch, what's the damage?"

"Another three grand down the drain."

"Well, it's an improvement. Mario, do we have any good news?"

"Not really. The bad news was that Brendan and I should probably avoid ever coming anywhere near the same ring again. And I should probably never touch a microphone again. About the only things I'd put on the good side of the ledger were Tommy and John, who were solid on commentary. Oh, and Elemental and Mikey are still solid together, too."

"What day do you and Lover have the Mexican show, again?"

"We're working South of the Border on Friday. Are you planning another quick turnaround, boss?"

"That depends. Mitch, you found us a venue, yet?"

"There's this place down in Oklahoma. I'm sorry."

"All right, we're going to make your drive to Mexico a little shorter, Mario. We're working Oklahoma on Wednesday."

***

Card for Wednesday, 2 December 2005:

-American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja
-Mario Heroic (c) vs. Champagne Lover for the Five Guys Championship.

[mrnoun]

Where we aren't afraid to steal gimmicks from other diaries when we've gone creatively bankrupt... Welcome to the Retro Zone!

Wednesday, 2 December 2005

The sign read Evanston, Oklahoma: population 7931. It was somewhat misleading, though, as if you don't count cattle, the population was closer to 2500. The town didn't actually have a high school gymnasium, but old Jed Doolally had rigged his barn up special so the boys could work.

"Uh, Boss? We got trouble. Charley's sulking in the van and refuses to come out until John apologizes for saying striped shirts are ugly. We might have to find a fill-in ref for tonight."

"Not an issue, Mario. I believe you've met Mr. Libertine before?"

"Doctor Libertine, thank you very much. I didn't spend six years as a post-grad at NYU to be called Mister."

"Oh, I didn't know you had a doctorate!"

"You mean, you haven't read my dissertation?" replied Dr. Libertine, handing the Man in Black a thick sheaf of papers entitled On the Nature of Conflict Resolution Within the Sphere of Two-Sided Disputes Between Groups Consisting of No More or No Less Than Four Individuals, Confined Within a Steel Cage, Wherein Settlement Can Be Achieved Only Via Submission.

"I'll, uh, read it later."

And so, with a new referee in place, the show could begin.

***
Before the show, Mikey warmed up the crowd with an amazing martial arts display, splitting a board in two with nothing more than a large chainsaw! (D)

The show itself opened with video footage of a masked American Elemental buying a Slushie and some beef jerky from a convenience store, still masked. (D)

Mikey and Elemental then put on their usual match. (C-)

Champagne Lover came out next, and explained in broken English that he could get any woman he wanted, any time he wanted, and that he would demonstrate on a volunteer from the audience. Unfortunately, none of the 10 people in attendance were actually women. (D)

Finally, out came Mario Heroic to defend the honor of the... well, the middle-aged, overweight farmer Lover had kissed. The match itself was quite solid, and Heroic retained. (C)

Overall: C

"Okay, Mitch. What's the damage?"

"I'm not doing any more work until John apologizes!"

"John's apologizing to Charley right now, Mitch. It's all going to be okay."

"Charley? Screw that, John needs to apologize to ME! Right now! Or else!"

"What? What happened?"

"You should have heard what he called me! If he doesn't apologize to me in the next 10 seconds, I want you to fire him!"

"Calm down, jeez!"

"I'm counting! 10... 9..."

"Um... okay. Mario, what's the situation?"

"Well, the show went over pretty well, all things considered. No real bad news from my end, though we probably lost money. That's Mitch's department, though."

"6... 5... uh... what comes next?"

"You skipped 7. Anyways, I'd say the biggest negative is that apparently, those idiots in the crowd enjoy Champagne Lover's broken English more than they enjoy my fluent English! I swear, I'm going to burn this dump to the ground."

"7... 4..."

"All right, guys, here's the plan. We're going to take a week off, then head back home to Minnesota for a big one-hour show a week from Sunday. We're sticking to Mikey/Elemental, of course, but any suggestions on other matchups are welcome."

"8..."

"Vinnie's the only guy the crowd really buys as a challenger, so I should probably face him."

"Good point, Mario. Other than that, uh... we should probably try the tag match again. That leaves Brendan and Lover as the other matchup. Which is identical to our debut show. That doesn't sound promising. Any suggestions on changes?"

"Break up the tag teams," said Tommy. "John can work the opener with Brendan. Then I can wrestle Marc."

"That leaves the guy who can't speak English against the idiot--let me finish--savant," said John.

"Doc can walk 'em through it," said Mario.

"So it's settled. All right, everyone in the van. Mario, you and Lover have a good time in Mexico. Oh, and here's my matchbook."

"2... 1... hey, where'd everyone go?"

***

Card for Sunday 3 December 2005:

Brendan Idol vs. John Greed
Tommy Morgan vs. Marc Speed
Shane Nelson vs. Champagne Lover
American Elemental vs. Mikey the Ninja
Mario Heroic vs. Plague for the Five Guys Championship

[Monkeypox]

This is the funniest read on the boards.

[mrnoun]

Monday, 3 December 2005

"Hey, Boss."

"Silence!"

"But Boss, it's important. North of the Border has offered me--"

"I said, 'Silence!'" bellowed the Man in Black, pushing his employee out the door. "Tommy can handle it. I'm watching my TV show!"

"But I am Tommy," he said, as the door slammed in his face.

***

Welcome back to This Week In Pro Wrestling!

UK/Europe
The only news in Europe this week was UCR taking their International Wrestling Superstars show to Vienna, where 2000 Austrians were so annoyed by the double-DQ main event between Sergei Kalashnov and the Scheming Behemoth that they annexed Hungary on the spot. (C- show)

Japan
Burning Hammer drew just over 8000 on Monday for Lords of the Ring, with Super Joshuya and Awesome Kiyaru stealing the show on the undercard. Really, there was no way Everest was going to match them during his main event. (B-)

GCG spent much of the week retooling their backstage, bringing in Munenori Umari, Stunner Okazawaya, and Ryuzaburo Sugiyama. On Saturday, they demonstrated to a crowd of 2000 that their shows still aren't that great, but hey, their backstage is spectacular. (C+)

On Thursday, PGHW drew 5000 for their King's Road show, featuring a bunch of Canadians fighting a bunch of Americans. Puroresu as booked by the Stone family! (B)

WLW brought aboard Motoichi Arakida, a move certain to tilt the balance of puroresu forever. Awesome Thunder and Dark EAGLE then rescued the company from a truly dreadful show with a brilliant main event. (B-)

On the women's side, 5-Star parted ways with Akikazu Miyagi, because there's no way the company could ever use two referees.

And finally, the Wrestle Peace Festival:
-Burning Hammer sent out Hughes/Kikkawa to have a MOTYC. (B+)
-PGHW responded with Team Dynasty 2000 battling the Vesseys (B)
-5SSW suffered because Hike insisted on being in the main event, while Nakadan and Ogiwara stole the show earlier. (C)
-GCG featured Pete Hall and Jack Marlowe. (B-)
-And WLW put on yet another cruddy show saved by Thunder. (C+)

Mexico

MPWF decided announcer Mario Serrano looked a little too much like Sam the Eagle, and cut ties with him. They then put on a rare show consisting entirely of tag team matches. (C+)

OLLIE took a week off. (Incomplete)

And SOTBPW drew 4000 for a show headlined by a six-man tag, with Champagne Lover's team going over Mario Heroic's team. (C+)

Canada

Up in CGC, the DeColts went American-crazy, bringing aboard The Natural and Captain USA, both of whom should fit in perfectly with the CGC style. They also signed Jason Rogers, because you can never have enough mediocre 50-year-olds. Which I believe was the same reasoning they used for Captain USA. They then doubled up on shows over the weekend, with the DeColts winning two of three on Saturday (C+) and settling for a 1-1 split on Sunday (C+).

The Stones had a busy week, officially announcing the signings of Johnny Bloodstone, Owen Love, and Brent Hill. The mayor of Halifax declared it "30-Something Unpopular Technical Wrestlers Week" in the city. Meanwhile, there was wrestling to do. McFly and Hayes headlined a not-quite-sold-out show on Wednesday (B), then McFly and Jeremy Stone battled The Natural and a debuting Bloodstone on Saturday (B).

USA Indies

MAW had a big week, signing Cliff Wilson and rising to Small size despite a pretty mediocre show on Monday (D).

NYCW confirmed the losses of Joey Minnesota and Grandmaster Phunk, but made no move to replace them.

USPW's big news was that they parted ways with Sheik Mustafa, which well demonstrates what a poor news week it was on the Indy scene.

On the women's side, AAA confirmed the departure of Wanda Fish for SWF, then signed Adrian Garcia to replace her, confirming certain rumors.

The Big Three

DAVE spent the week jobbing out the departing Henry Lee, as he dropped his farewell match to Eric Tyler on Thursday's show (B-).

TCW's big move for the week was signing Stetson Hatt. Cornell never could resist a cheesy pun. Tuesday night in Cheyenne, a small but sold-out crowd watched Cornell retain against Stevie Grayson. (B-)

SWF spent the week officially confirming the signings of everyone and their kid brother: Henry Lee, Wanda Fish, Joey Minnesota, Jenny Playmate, Craig Prince, Danny B. Bling, and Vin Tanner joined the company, and rumors of Kurt Laramee and Darryl Devine signing contracts were confirmed. Surprisingly, they also found time to run a pair of shows. On Tuesday, Skull DeBones battled Remo in a "Proof that All Those Signings Haven't Changed the Way the Eisens Book" Match (B+), then on Thursday, Runaway Train and Jack Bruce made sure no one missed the point of the Tuesday match. Plus, Eric Eisen put himself over Flex and Freddie Datsun. (B+).

How about that!

***

Robbie Retro Watch: Robbie defeated Andre Jones (C) at SWF Christmas Clash.

[mrnoun]

Thursday, 3 December 2005

"Hey Boss, just letting you know, I took the written deal the Stones offered me."

"That's nice, Tommy. I'm glad to... wait, what?"

"Remember, I told you the other day? North of the Border offered me a written deal. I took it. And it's Thomas now."

"COMPANY MEETING!"

***

"Okay, so here's the deal, everyone. Tommy--"

"...Thomas..."

"--has signed a written deal with North of the Border, and will be leaving us in a few days. To honor his long, distinguished service with our company, we'll be holding the Tommy--"

"...Thomas..."

"--Morgan Memorial Tour. Get ready to work your asses off for the next few days."

***

Thursday night, Hocheloga, Minnesota

"Evening, Jerry. Glad you could make it. Gentlemen, this is Jerry Martin. He'll be handling play-by-play for us, now that Tommy's--"

"...Thomas..."

"--leaving. Speaking of which, let's get this tour underway."

As the wrestlers filed out, the Man In Black soliloquied: "And thus begins my revenge, Mr. Morgan. Someday, soon, you will come to rue the day you crossed me. And tonight, 36 people will witness the beginning of your downfall. Mr. Morgan, you have made a huge mis--"

"What was that, boss?"

"Uh, nothing."

***

--The show opened with Tommy ("...Thomas...") coming out to say goodbye to the crowd, but before he could say a word, he was jumped by Marc Speed, who promptly destroyed him in less than three minutes. (E)

--Afterwards, Marc and John Greed cut an interview in the ring, claiming to be able to beat anyone, any time. (D)

--Brendan Idol accepted the challenge. (F)

--Idol nearly scored the upset, but Greed beat him with a foreign object shot. Idol and Greed go together like... well, Idol and Mario. They'll never see the same ring again. (E)

--Next, Champagne Lover came out and was warming up for his match. His opponent, Shane, came out and gave him a hug. An annoyed Lover attacked. An even more annoyed crowd yawned. (F)

--Lover and Shane then wrestled. Lover went over. Hey, the crowd woke up! (C-)

--Jerry Martin went down to the ring to interview American Elemental, but no one could understand what he was saying through the mask. (D)

--Mikey the Ninja came down, and they wrestled their usual match. Actually, it was a little better than usual; the guys are slowly improving. (C)

--Then Mario and Plague met in the main event, with Mario retaining the title in a solid match. (C)

Overall: C

"Well, what did we learn today, Mario?"

"A couple things. End strongly enough, and the crowd will forget just how miserably bad the rest of the show was. And second, Brendan apparently can't wrestle with anyone in the company."

"Well, go and get a good night's sleep, boys; we have another show tomorrow. Don't worry, Tommy--"

"...Thomas..."

"--you'll be wrestling more than three minutes next time."

***

Card for Friday, 3 December 2005:

Tommy ("...Thomas...") Morgan vs. To Be Announced
Mikey the Ninja vs. American Elemental
Mario Heroic vs. Plague for the Five Guys Championship

[mrnoun]

Friday, 3 December 2005:

Mustacio, Illinois: population 1474. The ballet capital of rural Illinois, Mustacio is widely ackno--

"What the hell is this!?"

I hate it when they interrupt me.

"Hi, Tommy!" answered the Man in Black, in an unusually chipper voice.

"--Thomas--"

"Yes, yes. Thomas. Everyone's sick of arguing about that. What's up?"

"I reiterate: What the hell is this!?"

"I dunno, what is it?"

"It's tonight's schedule!"

"Oh, that? Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything. Incidentally, who gave you a copy?"

"I, uh, borrowed Shane's."

"You did WHAT!? You know what happens when somebody messes with his routine! Remember what happened to the drive=thru guy at McDonald's when they were out of McRibs?"

Both men stopped to shudder.

"I'll, uh, I'll go and, uh, put it back then. Okay?"

---

Friday evening: the Mustacio Center for the Performing Arts. Attendance: 41.

-The show opened with John Greed in the ring. Greed announced that tonight, in honor of the departing Thomas Morgan, the Five Guys were proud to host the Tommy Gantlet, where Thomas would get an opportunity to demonstrate his technical skills against a wide variety of opponents. (D)

-Then Thomas came out and ate a quick pin from Greed. Of course, Thomas and John have great chemistry. (E)

-Then a quick pin from Marc Speed. (E)

-Then Shane came out and hugged Thomas goodbye. (F)

-And pinned him. (E)

-Then Champagne Lover pinned him. (D)

-And finally, Lover proclaimed himself the winner of the Gantlet, because he pinned Morgan faster than anyone else. (E)

-After the ring cleared, Mikey and Elemental did their usual, with Elemental winning. (C+... I love these guys!)

-And then Mario and Plague did THEIR usual, with Mario retaining the title. (C)

Overall: C.

---

"So what's the damage?"

"We aren't really sure. Mitch still isn't speaking to anyone."

"Uh, John? You want to apologize to Mitch at some point?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"...uh, okay. Mario, what's the story?"

"Well, the crowd got pretty sick of Thomas. And Mikey and Elemental stole the show; I'm thinking at some point, I should lose the belt to Elemental. They put on a better show than we did."

"I'll take it under consideration, but we won't be making any major changes until after the Memorial Tour. Anyways, get a good night's sleep, we're in Indiana tomorrow."

As they filed out, John mumbled, "Why a Memorial Tour? It's not like he's dead or anything."

And the Man in Black said to himself, "...yet."

---

Saturday, 3 December 2005:

Thomas Morgan vs. To Be Announced
Mikey vs. Elemental
Mario vs. Plague

Same ol', same ol'.

[jonlawson]

I think my favorite part in this whole thread so far was at the very beginning....

"*I* called it," said the woman, and the men immediately fell silent.

Several more minutes passed.

That part had me laughing so hard, sorta like the opening scene in Zoolander :P

I love this!

[theunholyicon]

I too like this, but my big pet peeve in diaries is when people just have people face off against eachother all the time because they have good chemistry.

Oh well, whatever works I guess.

[eskimo38]

Easily the funniest thing I have read on any forum in quite a while. I look forward to having my unavoidable identity guesses confounded!

[mrnoun]

I too like this, but my big pet peeve in diaries is when people just have people face off against eachother all the time because they have good chemistry.

Oh well, whatever works I guess.

I actually agree. I was thinking something similar, earlier.

The thing about this kind of diary is that you have to balance the behind-the-scenes storyline, which is the important part, with the in-ring action, which is only important to the extent that it's not really a TEW diary without it. It's like a SE fed: you need a little wrestling mixed in.

In this case, the key is trying to stay honest to the character: what would the Man in Black do? He'd do things like bury Tommy... er, Thomas... repeatedly, even though it hurts the company. Or he'd help Mario burn down old Jed Doolally's barn. The latter is no problem; it doesn't affect the actual game at all. But the former makes booking a lot more difficult.

And that's where the balancing act comes in, because in the long run, I would like to win my little challenge and beat the Eisens. So I've been compromising a bit, and when the Man in Black doesn't have a good reason to book something else, I'm throwing out the matches I think will get the best ratings.

Incidentally, the Five Guys have contract offers out to several more workers, so hopefully, a larger roster will mean a little more variety.

[mrnoun]

Saturday, 3 December 2005:

"Um, boss?"

"Yeah, Tommy? Thomas, sorry."

"About this gimmick change..."

"...Yes? Is there a problem?"

"Well, I'm not really comfortable with... you know... the whole..."

"Come on, Tommy, spit it out."

"What's with the skirt?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...kilt. Yeah, that's it, it's a kilt."

"A...?"

"Kilt. It's a Scottish thing. You're... uh... doing a Braveheart gimmick."

"Oh, I see. A Braveheart gimmick. Well, I guess that's kind of cool..."

"Good, I'm glad that's settled."

"But, uh, what's the makeup for, then?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...you mean war paint, right? The highland warriors often painted their faces before battle."

"...well, I guess that makes sense."

"Uh huh."

"But... mascara?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...yes. Mascara. All the toughest Scots wore mascara."

"And pigtails."

"Uh..."

Fortunately for the Man in Black, Dr. Libertine intervened at that point to let the guys know the show was ready to start.

---

Melvin, Indiana: Population 844. FGW was the opening act for the town's biggest celebrity: The Guy Who Met the Guy Who Played "Art the Janitor" on Night Court. 96 people showed up, but half of them left when they found out that Art himself wasn't actually going to show up.

-The show opened with Thomasina McMorgan singing "I'm a Barbie Girl", hastily re-written with by Sydney as "I'm a Scottish Girl". Since Sydney didn't actually know much about Scotland, it was pretty short and repetitive. However, some of the guys in the crowd who'd been spending a little too much time with the sheep lately thought he had nice legs. (C-)

-Next, Marc Speed came out to once again make short work of the departing McMorgan. (E)

-To distract the crowd from the brutal incompetence of the preceding booking, a short video was filmed, highlighting American Elemental's attempt to visit a hair salon, still wearing his mask. (C-)

-Elemental came out to the ring, but got ambushed by Mikey the Ninja. (D)

-Mikey and Elemental wrestled a different match than usual, as Mikey got a lot more offense than the injured Elemental until a fluke rollup ended it. (C)

-John Greed came out next, to remind everyone that he has a lot more money than them. At least, in character. In actuality, he's dirt-poor and getting paid next to nothing. (D)

-Brendan Idol comes out to shut Greed up, leading to a match. Greed went over with the Quick Cash Kick after a shot with a domestic object (the Five Guys can't afford to import foreign objects). (E)

-Finally, Mario and Plague had their usual match, with Mario retaining the title with a Hero Attack. (C)

Overall: C-.

---

"Hey, uh, Boss? Remember how we said John and Brendan should never, ever, be in the same ring, ever, ever again?"

"...oh yeah. Sorry about that. My bad. Tell you what, I think we're all getting a bit burned out. Take some time off, everyone, and we'll pick things up again in January."

[eskimo38]

Domestic object...awesome - glad to see that this diary isn't gone as it's one of the few that I look forward to reading!

[theunholyicon]

Same here.

[mrnoun]

Meanwhile:

Far beneath Mount Innererwitz, outside Zûrich, Switzerland.

"I can't believe that dumbass has already burnt through half the money we gave him," said the guy with the beard, who was actually the second guy with the beard, but since the first guy with the beard hadn't spoken yet, it wouldn't really make sense to refer to this guy with the beard as the second guy with the beard. Which, in fact, he was.

"What *I* can't believe is that I had to fly all the way to ****ing Switzerland for this meeting," said the one with the scars. "Couldn't we do that tele-whatsis thingy, you know, whatever they call it? The thing where you do the thing with the computers?"

"Teleconferencing, dumbass. And we can't do that because the reception down here sucks," said the one with the bad haircut.

"Well, why don't we meet somewhere that isn't several miles beneath the Earth's surface, then?" asked the short one.

"I figured you'd be pretty comfortable down here, shortass. You're so much closer to it than the rest of us anyways," snarled the second one with the beard.

"That's it! PREPARE TO SUFFER!" screamed the short one, charging at his tormentor, who laughed uproariously as the first one with the beard and the one who, while he didn't have a beard, nonetheless could have used a shave, held the short one back.

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!" interjected the first one with the beard.

For a long moment, everyone stared at him.

Finally, the one with the bad haircut said, "What the hell are you talking about? This isn't the War Room!"

"Sorry, Doctor Strangelove was on the other night. I got carried away."

"That's so typical of you stupid Canadians."

"But I'm not--"

"Enough of this!" said the Seeress. "Is there any good news?"

For the next several minutes, the six men demonstrated their remarkable cumulative ability not to make eye contact with the Seeress. Finally, she spoke again. "Perhaps we should provide him with more money--"

"NO!" burst the one with the bad haircut. "That twerp isn't getting any more of MY money. Not until I see some results!" There was general agreement from the rest of the table. "This whole thing is starting to look like one huge waste of time. I'm out. Don't bother contacting me again."

"You are, of course, well within your rights. If you truly want to leave our little group, the door is right over there," said the Seeress, gesturing.

A brief pause later, the one with the bad haircut spoke again. "That's the door to the Torture Chamber. The exit is over there. You, uh, pointed to the wrong door."

The Seeress appeared to consider this for a few moments, then replied. "No... no. That's the door I meant. Thank you for double-checking for me, however."

After another pause, the one with the bad haircut once again spoke. "So what's our next move, comrades?"

---

Antwerp, Belgium.

The nefarious dealings of the Belgian National Football Team continued unhindered.

---

Littleton, Minnesota.

"Hey, Mario. Better hide all the sharp objects."

"Why's that, John?"

"You seen the latest issue of Pro Wrestling Hits? The Awards issue?"

"Not yet... why, bad news?"

"You... could say that."

A scream of rage came from the Man in Black's office.

"And apparently, the Boss just saw it."

A black blur stormed through the office, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. "We better follow him, just in case."

And so, John and Mario followed the path of chaos all the way to the railroad tracks, where, amidst the decapitated remains of the hobos, they found, scrawled in blood on the side of an abandoned train car:

"The Wrestler of the Year Award for 2005 goes to Tommy Morgan for his performances in FGW."

***

Scheduled for Tuesday, 1 January 2006:

Stylin' Shane Nelson and Brendan Idol vs. John Greed and Marc Speed
American Elemental vs. Plague
Mario Heroic (c) vs. a Mystery Opponent for the Five Guys Championship

[mrnoun]

Tuesday, 1 January 2006
Laramie, Wyoming

As always, nothing happened here.

--

Tuesday, 1 January 2006
Littleton, Minnesota

"Mr. Morgan! Welcome! Welcome! Ha ha ha. Do you mind if I call you Tommy?"

"Well, actually, my name is--"

"Of course you don't! Ha ha ha. It's great to meet you at last, Tommy. We've been needing someone like you around here. The #1 wrestler in the world! Ha ha ha."

"No, you're thinking of the other--"

"Ha ha ha! So great to have such a talented submission specialist on the roster. And one so well-known, at that! Finally, someone to match up with Mario!" With that, the Man in Black wandered off, laughing manically to himself.

"What the blazes is he on?" asked JD.

"We're... not sure. He gets that way sometimes," answered John, careful not to mention that by 'sometimes', he meant 'after killing enough hobos'.

"So am I right to be feeling these deep sensations of regret and foreboding about signing this contract?"

"...don't, uh, worry. He probably knows what he's doing," chipped in Marc unreassuringly, then looked around in surprise that he actually got dialog.

"Hi JD!"

"Oh god... hello, Shane."

"Hi!" said Shane, giving Morgan a big hug.

"And this is why I stopped working in Canada," said JD. "Stupid colonials."

--

-The show opened with Champagne Lover beating Mikey the Ninja after Mikey attempted (and badly botched) a fancy martial arts kick. (7:45, D)
-After the match, Mikey whined that there's no way Lover should have been able to avoid such a spectacular move, and the win was clearly just luck. So Lover offered him another match for next show. (D)
-In the tag division, Greed for Speed took on the Special Underdogs, Shane Nelson and Brendan Idol. The Speedlock finished after Nelson accidentally hit Idol. (7:33, D)
-Next was an aerial extravaganza between American Elemental and Plague, with Plague taking the pin in a wild match, with the New Jersey Turnpike. (9:59, C+)
-Afterwards, Mario Heroic came out to welcome FGW's newest star, JD Morgan, to the company. Morgan came out and offered Heroic a handshake. And if you don't know what happened then, you haven't been watching wrestling long enough. (C-)
-Finally, Heroic had to defend his belt against Morgan, immediately after being assaulted brutally by surprise. What wasn't a surprise was Morgan taking Heroic apart to win the title. (17:53, C)
-Afterwards, Morgan sneered that the title was beneath him, and threw it to the mat before storming off. (C-)

Overall: C, 44 attendance.

--

With the Man in Black out of commission, giggling quietly to himself while watching his favorite Texas Chainsaw Massacre scene on infinite loop, John took over the post-show meeting. "So, uh, what the hell happened out there? JD? Mario? You guys were supposed to blow the roof off and put us on the map."

"I dunno, John," said Mario. "Everything was going fine, right up until... well..."

"Yeah?"

"Until we stepped into the ring," said JD. "We just couldn't find a rhythm. Maybe it was just coincidence, but I don't think so. I'm sure Mario is a nice enough chap, but we don't match up well."

"On the positive side, Elemental keeps stealing show after show. I think it's about time for a title push, and I'll talk to the Boss about it... erm, as soon as he stops trying to eat that Barcolounger."

"Mfff, Mfff!"

"Take your mask off before you try to talk, Elemental."

"Oh, sorry John. I said, 'Thanks, John!'"

"No problem, Elemental," said John, rubbing his temples in exasperation. "I'm beginning to understand why the Boss kills all those hobos."

"Wait a minute, WHAT?!" exclaimed JD.

"Erm... nothing. I'll, uh, explain later."

And with that, the meeting broke down.

--

Scheduled for Tuesday, 2 January 2006:

JD Morgan (c) vs. American Elemental for the Five Guys Championship
Mikey the Ninja vs. Champagne Lover
"Special" Shane Nelson vs. Plague
Mario Heroic vs. Marc Speed for the #1 Contendership

[Jaded]

I've just read through all of this - wow, fantastic stuff! :)

[ahw26]

this thread is awesome :) keep up the good work

[mrnoun]

Tuesday, 2 January 2006
Littleton, Minnesota
(late morning)

"Look, I am NOT happy about this."

"I know you're not, John, but what can we do about it? Someone has to run things. Would you rather leave it to the guy who never takes his mask off, or the guy who killed a hooker?"

John looked at the usually quiet Marc, then at the motionless figure on the couch. With a sigh, he sunk into the Man in Black's chair. He looked down at the desk, where a financial report showed more red than Moscow in November of '86. "I'm not cut out for this work," he mumbled.

"You're the only sane one here."

"What about..." John started, then paused in thought. "Well, uh... there's you, isn't there?"

"What, they're going to listen to ME? Half of them don't even know my name yet!"

With that, silence. As the uncomfortable moment lengthened, both men's eyes were drawn back to the motionless figure on the couch.

"How... how long do you think he'll be like that?" asked John, finally.

"I don't know... Boss," said Marc, with just a hint of a smirk at the last word. The expression quickly faded back to seriousness, and he continued. "I don't even know what happened to him."

"He just seemed to... crash. Dead to the world. Hasn't moved all week," answered John, not even noticing the 'Boss'. "I just get the feeling he's... somewhere else."

Both men shivered. "Do you feel that? It's like... a chill. Almost eldritch," said Marc.

"Sorry, I'll close the window," said John. After a pause, he added, "If I'm going to do this stupid job, you're damn well going to suffer with me... assistant. Let everyone know, we've got a meeting this afternoon."

(that afternoon)

"All right people, settle down, settle down," said John. "I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here."

"I assume is has something to do with tonight's show. I mean, we ARE having a show tonight, aren't we? And where's the Boss?" asked Mario.

John looked annoyed for a moment. "Well... yes, that's why I called you here. We're not having a show tonight. USPW, TCW, and SWF are all running shows tonight, and we don't need the competition. We're going to postpone the show a couple weeks, and move it to Wednesday." John stopped and took a deep breath before continuing. "Also, as some of you may know, the Boss is... out of commission. I'm filling in for the time being."

"Wait, something happened to the Boss? What's wrong with him?" interjected American Elemental.

"He's... sick. Some kind of coma. We were going to take him to the hospital, but he had one of those Medic-Alert bracelets."

"What? What kind of Medic-Alert bracelet would keep you from taking him to the hospital?"

"Well, it said, 'If you take me to the hospital, I will personally hunt each and every one of you down, cut out your livers, and feed them to Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat with a Thousand Young.' So all in all, we figured he'd be fine on the couch."

A long pause ensued.

"...It really said all that?"

"It was very small lettering."

Elemental looked closely at John, either because he wasn't sure if John was joking or because he was having trouble seeing through his mask. Finally, realizing John wasn't joking, he asked, "Where is he? Can we see him?"

"He's in his office. Charley's keeping an eye on him, to make sure he doesn't stop breathing or anything. I asked Doctor Libertine to take a look at him, but Doc just said he's not that kind of doctor and handed me a copy of his doctoral thesis. My fourth copy, I might add."

Elemental nodded; he had three copies himself.

"Okay? Now, then, there's one more thing I want to talk about: some new additions to--"

"Wait a minute!" shrieked Mitch, who had finally worked out what was going on. "Why are YOU in charge? We hired you to wrestle, not to run things!"

John laughed. "You think YOU can run things?"

"Better than some dumb wrestler!"

"Look, when this whole thing started, you were on the verge of getting kicked out of your apartment... and five guys living together in one tiny apartment was kind of creepy, by the way. The Boss, and the rest of us, saved your asses. Without us, you'd be nothing. In fact, with us, you're still nothing. So shut up and let me do my job."

"Your job is to wrestle! Well, WAS to wrestle. You're fired!"

"Fine! You want to run the company? You'll be broke and homeless inside a month. I promise it."

Mitch stared at him, long and hard, then stormed out. John watched him leave, then turned back to continue the meeting. "Now, as I said, we're looking to bring in some new talent, and I'm looking for suggestions..."


(later that evening)

Marc slumped glumly onto the only piece of furniture in the office not already occupied by either his current boss, or the body of his previous boss. "So... that could have gone better."

"At least Mitch is speaking to me again, even if it was to yell at me and threaten to fire me."

"You could have humored him. He and his buddies DO, technically, own the company."

"Yeah, but that little twit gets on my nerves."

"To be honest, they all do."

"Eh, Syd's not too bad, when he's not talking about Mr. Bean. But hey, I have some phone calls to make. You want to make sure Shane gets his prescription refilled for me? We don't need another... incident."

Marc gave John a mocking salute, and left. John gave another sigh, and looked down at the list of names suggested at the meeting. With a glance at the Man In Black's body, he reached for the phone. "No rest for the wicked, I suppose..."

***

Sorry for (a) the long delay and (b) the lack of an actual show on this update. I hit a dead end story-wise, and got involved in other projects for a while; this should get things back on track, though.


Scheduled for Wednesday, 4 January 2006 (and hopefully posted before next January):

-American Elemental defends the honor of FGW against DAVE's J.D. Morgan, who called the company "worthless" and "beneath him".
-Mikey the Ninja demanded a rematch from Champagne Lover, claiming the Latino Heartthrob got lucky last time.
-Plague has wrestled countless opponents all over North America and Mexico during his long career. But he's never met an opponent as... special... as Shane Nelson.

[mrnoun]

Wednesday, 4 January 2006
Littleton, Minnesota

"Nervous?"

"A little," admitted John. This wasn't the first show he'd run, but it was the first show he'd run as the Boss. Last time, he'd just been filling in; this was for real.

"Don't worry about it, man," said Marc. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Um, that thing on the Boss's Medic-Alert bracelet comes to mind. The new guys here yet? I want to go over things with them one more time."

"That's what I came up to tell you. Josh and Willie called from the airport, they're on their way as soon as they find a cab. They *should* be here before showtime. Carvill's at a TV taping for one of those Canadian promotions, he can't do Wednesdays. And Jean's hiding in his motel room from Shane -- apparently, they've met before."

"Let me know when Josh and Willie get here. Meanwhile, find Brendan for me? We gotta throw together some filler in case they can't make it."

--

-Pre-show, Marc Speed beat Brendan Idol in a dark match. (C-)

-The show opened with Mario Heroic in the ring, being interviewed by Jerry Martin. Heroic said he was ready for a fight tonight, and issued an open challenge... answered by "Mean" Jean Cattley! (C-)

-Cattley spent the match trying to keep Heroic grounded with his superior technical skills. However, he grew frustrated when Mario kept slipping away and hitting high spots. Finally, Jean stole the win with a domestic object. (C)

-After the match, Cattley complained that that wasn't much of a fight, and he'd be back next show, looking for a REAL fight this time. (C-)

-Next, Joshua Taylor and William Hayes arrived, fresh from the airport, and still in street clothes. They introduced themselves, and promised to turn the FGW tag division on its head -- short and to the point. (C-)

--A quick video replayed the finish to the Mikey/Lover match from the last show, and Mikey's rematch challenge. (F)

--But before Mikey/Lover, Shane and Plague squared off. Plague controlled much of the match with his superior experience and intellect, but Shane made the big comeback and stole the win in the end. (C)

--After the match, Shane celebrated by hugging Plague, who, predictably, reacted badly and beat him down. (D)

--It was time for Mikey and Lover next. Mikey went all-out in this match, while Lover didn't take him seriously, toying with him. Lover controlled much of the match, until a missed moonsault gave Mikey an opening. Mikey gave the signal for his fancy martial arts kick, the one he'd missed in the last match... and this time it hit! Unfortunately, it was a really stupid kick that didn't do any actual damage, and Lover no-sold it. Mikey, stunned that Lover wasn't unconscious and possibly headed for the hospital, got flattened with a lariat and locked in the Champagne Breakfast for the submission. (C-)

--Finally, it was time for American Elemental and J.D. Morgan. The match combined elements of the first two matches on the show: the technical wrestler trying to ground the slippery high-flyer, and the veteran heel controlling the younger, more athletic face until the latter put together a late match flurry. But when Elemental went up top, looking to finish, Morgan rolled out of the ring, grabbed his belt, and walked out for the count-out. (C+)

Overall: C

--

"Only 39 people... we're losing attendance. That's not good," said Marc. "The crowd was really bored during that recap video. After all, we're mostly attracting the same people to every show."

"The wrestling, at least, was solid," said J.D. "No one really stood out as being bad."

"This was definitely the best show you guys have put on since I've been involved with the organization," said Doctor Libertine. "I've seen a lot of pissant no-name promotions who work out of high school gyms in my days, and up until now, that's what you guys have been. But this is starting to feel like a legitimate Small promotion to me. Perhaps I can write another paper..."

"Does anyone else have anything to add?" John interjected quickly, before Libertine could get started.

"I really feel like I *connected* with the crowd tonight, you know what I mean? It was kind of a morphic resonance, you know? Our chakras were really aligned out there," said Jean, who was holding a crystal over his sore knee. Even Doctor Libertine snapped out of his reverie to stare at him. "What?"

And with that, the post-show meeting broke up.

--

Next show:

-J.D. Morgan put one over on American Elemental, but the Masked One doesn't give up that easily. What does that mean? Rematch!

-Mikey the Ninja is frustrated by his recent losses to Champagne Lover. So he's going to try to take it out on Lover's friend and fellow SOTBPW worker, Mario Heroic!

-Joshua Taylor and William Hayes came to the States looking to find some tag team action. Unfortunately for them, they're about to find out that the entire FGW tag divison consists of John Greed and Marc Speed: the Boss and his assistant!

-And "Mean" Jean Cattley came here looking for a real fight. Will anyone be able to give him one?

[mrnoun]

Interlude



...somewhere.

YOU? I DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.

"Erm... hello? Am I dead?"

YES. AND NO.

"Pardon?"

IT IS COMPLICATED.

"Can't you just... metaphysically take my pulse or something? I have an Armageddon to attend to, you see."

WELL, WHICH 'YOU' DO YOU WANT ME TO CHECK?

"What do you mean? There's only one of me."

IN A MULTIVERSE OF INFINITE SIZE, THERE ARE AN INFINITE NUMBER OF YOUS. IT ALL HAS TO DO WITH SOME TROUSERS, OR POSSIBLY A CAT BOX OF SOME SORT.

"Don't I get a lawyer? Or... or possibly a medium, or something?"

IT IS A RARE MEDIUM THAT IS WELL DONE.

Silence.

THAT WAS A PUN.

"I know."

Silence.

--

Mount Innererwitz, Switzerland

"We're screwed," said the short one.

"I can't believe that moron got himself killed!" shouted the one with the beard. There was general agreement around the table; even the normally calm one who, while he doesn't have a beard, could nonetheless use a shave, joined in the shouting.

The Seeress sighed to herself; the men were really starting to get on her nerves. Besides, she knew just how hard the Man in Black was to kill. He'd be back.

--

Antwerp, Belgium

"Have you got the shipment?"

"Calm down, Van der Moor, you know you can count on me."

"This is important, Minuit. The Big Guy doesn't want any screw-ups. Or heads will roll. And I don't think he was speaking figuratively."

Minuit paused to wipe his brow; the packages were heavy. "What's with you lately, Hoos? You used to be cool, man."

"I dunno, Henri. It's this new stuff. I mean... drugs, fine. Prostitution? We're famous for it. But this new stuff just seems... beneath us."

Hoos Van der Moor nodded reluctantly as he drew the ringpost from its packaging.

--

THIS MONTH IN WRESTLING: January, 2006

The month began with bad news for CGC: Title Bout Wrestling was cancelled on the first Monday of the month. But things turned around quickly for the wrestling world.

The first week of the year saw two VERY early Match of the Year candidates: Raul Hughes vs. Tadiyuki Kikkawa for BHOTWG, and Tommy Cornell vs. Liberty for TCW. Not to be outdone, NOTBPW fired back in Week 2 with Dan Stone Jr. and Jeremy Stone. PGHW came up with Buddy Garner vs. Bryan Vessey. SWF put together a candidate in Week 3: Runaway Train vs. Christian Faith. It was a good month for quality wrestling.

CGC bounced back from its lost TV slot with a PPV deal. UCR, NOTBPW, and PGHW also added PPV deals.

The big free agent signing for the month was Jungle Jack joining DAVE to replace the departing Big Cat Brandon. Jack has yet to debut for DAVE, but had a good month working for GCG and MPWF.

The other big mover this month was FGW out of Minnesota, a former no-name local promotion, now considered a Small regional promotion thanks to importing "name" Indy workers J.D. Morgan, "Mean" Jean Cattley, and others.

How about that!

[Scapino1974]

I'm glad to see this is back. Great diary, man. I'm looking forward to more!

[mrnoun]

Saturday, 1 February
Littleton, Minnesota

"Hey, Jean, I want to go over a couple things before the show..."

"Ommmmm..."

"You see, with all the new guys coming in lately, I want to make sure everyone clicks properly and we don't have any conflicts..."

"Ommmmm..."

"So I just wanted to make sure you had your lines down..."

"Ommmmm..."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Ommmmm..."

"Hey, Jean! Shane wants to say hi!"

"Omm- WHAT? Quick, hide me!"

--

-Before the show, Champagne Lover practiced his English for the surprisingly patient crowd. Apparently, he was getting pretty good at it, though. (C-)

-Next, in a dark match, Nevada Nuclear got a tryout, losing to Lover.(C-)

-The show itself started with "Mean" Jean Cattley looking for a fight. He was answered by... the surprise debut of Jack Giedroyc! (D)

-Cattley made short work of Giedroyc, then cheated for the win anyways just to rile up the crowd. (C-)

-Next, the entire tag division made its entrance for the first tag match in weeks. The new guys, Taylor and Hayes, took the win when Marc Speed nailed Josh with a steel chair. (D)

-An enraged Hayes and groggy Taylor chased off the heels with chairs. (C-)

-Footage was shown of Mikey the Ninja, despairing of his losing streak, going back to the drawing board and re-teaching himself how to break boards. (F)

-It doesn't help, though, as former champ Mario Heroic destroyed him in a matter of minutes. (C-)

-Next, American Elemental promoted the upcoming rematch with J.D. Morgan. (C-)

-But Morgan walked away with the belt again, this time by shoving Dr. Libertine to draw the automatic DQ. (C)

Overall: C

--

"What the hell were you doing out there, Lover?" asked J.D. the moment the post-show meeting started. "We all know you can do better than that. Think you're too good to be helping out the new talent in dark matches or something?"

"You weren't exactly busting your butt out there yourself, Morgan!" shouted Mario, sticking up for his buddy, who was clearly having trouble with J.D.'s thick British accent.

"Simmer down, people," said John, trying to defuse the situation. "I think every one of us knows we can put on a better show than that. Yelling and pointing fingers isn't going to make it happen, though."

"You're right. I'm sorry. No hard feelings, J.D."

"Now, the good news is, we just about doubled our attendance. And I've found us a new sponsor: Big Fat Devil (TM) Snack Foods. Money's still tight, but we're no longer in a serious crunch. Though Big Fat Devil (TM) Chips are certainly a serious crunch! Snap into the Hellish sensation!" John paused a moment. "Sorry, I am legally required to make a bad pun relating to one of their products at least once a day, according to our contract."

After that, the meeting broke up fairly quickly.

[mrnoun]

In the wee hours
The Boss's office

The Man in Black, stiff as a board, had been propped up in a corner to free the couch for use. And the couch was full; an impromptu meeting of the Inner Circle of FGW had broken out. Strangely, the Five Guys themselves were not involved; they had long since lost control of the company.

John leaned back in his chair, feet on his desk, and scanned the assemblage. Marc was leaning against the wall, having surrendered the other chair to old Doc Libertine. J.D. and Vinnie "Plague" Ventrone shared the couch with American Elemental, masked as always. John regretted Mario couldn't be here, but these five men he felt he could trust.

John broke the silence. "We all know why we're here." There were nods around the room.

Marc took a deep breath, looking down at the piece of paper he was holding, and read. "Brendan Idol."

"He's a nice enough kid. I have no problem with him," said Doc.

"I'll give the kid this: he doesn't make a fool of himself out there. He's got the basics down." said Vinnie, only in his Jersey accent that this narrator is no longer going to attempt to transcribe.

"He has a couple nice moves, too," was Elemental's contribution.

"I don't know. He doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the guys. And frankly, I just don't see him ever amounting to much more than he is already," frowned J.D.

John rubbed his temples quietly, and made a few marks on the sheet in front of him. Marc glanced down at his own sheet, and spoke again. "Jack Giedroyc."

"Always good to have a few veterans around," said Doc. "He earned himself a pretty good reputation overseas."

"You always know what you're getting from him. It may not be anything special, but he gets the job done," said Vinnie.

"Huh, 'nothing special' is right. He's really not my cup of tea, but I suppose the undercard needs a few guys like that," said Elemental.

"I like him. He's got the mind of a veteran and the body of a 29-year-old; he's still improving. Plus, it never hurts to have a few guys around who can cut interviews," said J.D.

"You just don't want to be the only Brit around," joked John, earning a brief chuckle.

"Joshua Taylor," said Marc, silencing the good humor.

"He didn't impress me at all," said Elemental. "It was like we could have grabbed any random guy from, say, MAW, and gotten just as much out of him."

"I disagree," said Doc. "He's 23 years old and one of the hardest workers in the business. He's going to get a lot better."

"And he's already got a great grasp of the fundamentals," added Vinnie.

"He's working hard to get into better shape, which is good. And he's working in Japan between FGW shows, which is better. I just don't know if he has the talent to go much further than a midcard tag act," said J.D.

"Jean Cattley," said Marc, while John made his notes on Joshua.

"He spent close to half an hour yesterday telling me about Transcendental Meditation. I barely even managed to give him a copy of my thesis," griped Doc.

"It's nice to have someone around who can keep up with J.D. on the mat, though," said Elemental.

"Well, I wouldn't go THAT far," said J.D. "And I don't think he has the body type to make it as a huge star in this business. Still, it doesn't hurt to have a few guys around who just wrestle, without worrying about making them huge stars."

"The guy gives you solid work every time out there," said Vinnie. "Nothing wrong with solid."

"Mikey," said Marc.

"Ugh," said Vinnie.

"I like having those young kids who work hard around," said Doc. "There's a lot of potential in them."

"Some of those flying kicks are actually pretty nifty," added Elemental.

"He's in great shape," said J.D. "But he's pretty weak in the ring compared to the rest of these guys. And I disagree with Doc about his potential."

"Nevada Nuclear," said Marc.

"I don't believe I've so much as spoken to him yet," admitted Doc. "But I've never heard anything bad about him. Or good, for that matter."

"I'd always thought he was bigger," said Elemental. "As it is, he just doesn't impress me."

"He's got a lot to learn about wrestling," said Vinnie. "But he's only 22, after all."

"He's got the look, and I could see him turning into a good brawler. I think he'd be a great fit in, say, DAVE," said J.D. "But most of our top guys tend towards technical and aerial wrestling; he may represent a style clash."

"...Shane Nelson." said Marc. A general groan rose from the group.

"He's... nice. He tries real hard at it. He can be tough to work with, but..." Doc shrugged helplessly.

"Yeah, tell me about it," agreed Vinnie. "But... that said, the kid just has a natural knack for the show."

"He's in good shape, and he's not afraid to throw his body around out there," said Elemental, who had fewer negatives to say about weirdos than the rest.

"The thing is... the thing is... annoying as he is," said J.D., "he's already good out there, and you can SEE him getting better every time out."

"And that brings us finally to... William Hayes," said Marc.

"Tonight was the first time I ever worked with him," admitted Doc, "but he was pretty easygoing. Things went smoothly, though it helped that his buddy Josh was willing to do most of the pre-match prep work."

"Are you saying he's a bit lazy?" asked John.

"No, not so much lazy as... not as motivated as Taylor," answered Libertine.

"On the other hand, he's in better shape and more polished in the ring than Taylor," retorted Vinnie.

"His moves look crisper and smoother, too," said Elemental.

"He's 26, charismatic, and athletic, and he's working full-time in Japan between our shows. I think he's going to improve quickly," said J.D.

"Thank you for your opinions, guys. It's good to have your insights into the less well-established portions of our roster. I won't keep you any longer, though; I know just how late it is," said John, wrapping up the meeting.

After the last of the tired workers left the office, John slumped into his chair. Marc grabbed the other one. "Why didn't you tell them?" Marc asked.

"I wasn't sure how they'd react," John answered. "When I said earlier that we weren't in any more immediate financial trouble, I meant it. But we're still stretching ourselves thin. We need to make these cuts. I just didn't want to panic anyone."

"And they won't be upset when they find out?"

"Frankly, I'm hoping they'll be so busy preparing for their own parts on the upcoming shows that they won't notice certain people don't show up. Especially if it's the newer guys."

"I don't think you should be lying to the guys, though. That's a bad way to start your career as Boss."

John frowned. "Maybe you're right. But it's too late now. Besides, it's still better than, say, killing hobos."

"Hey! Watch what you say about the Boss."

"Oh, I know. He plucked me off the unemployment line, too. Gave me a job, a place to stay, and a chance to do what I love, and treated me fairly, same as you. But It says a lot iabout this business, I think, that it's so easy to forget the 'homicidal maniac' part."

"It's too late for philosophy," griped Marc, glancing at the clock.

"Okay, okay... one last thing, then. Who do YOU think needs to go?"

Marc bit his lip, staring down at the list, before answering.

--

Next Show:

-How long can J.D. Morgan escape American Elemental's wrath? At least one more show, as J.D. claims he already has an opponent lined up... "Special" Shane Nelson!
-"Mean" Jean Cattley continues his quest to find a worthy opponent. Who is next on his list?
-Champagne Lover hasn't lost since mid-December. Can he keep the streak alive against Japan-hardened William Hayes?
-Plus, American Elemental vs. Plague in a #1 Contender's Match!

[mrnoun]

Tuesday, 2 February 2006
Littleton, Minnesota

Get to know your favorite FGW workers!
FGW Roster Profile #1:

Real Name: John Greed
Ring Name: John Greed
Gimmick: Marc Speed's sidekick
Style: Lightweight Luchadore
Best Skills: Selling, Resilience, Acting, Charisma, Star Quality
Entrance Music: "Time Is Money", Frank Zappa
Favorite Movie: Wall Street
Favorite Book: The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money, John Maynard Keynes

"I suppose with a name like that, you don't work cheap."

"You'd be surprised."

FGW Roster Profile #2:

Real Name: Sydney Wardrup
Ring Name: Non-wrestler.
Gimmick: fanfiction writer.
Style: epic crossovers.
Best Skills: Lack of punctuation, mischaracterizing canon characters.
Entrance Music: The Go-Bots Theme.
Favorite Movie: Johnny English
Favorite Book: "Mr. Bean Meets the Go-Bots"
Sydney was trying to convince Kirby that a Mr. Bean based character would get over

--

"So, uh, are you entirely sure scheduling our show for Tuesday night was a good idea, John?"

"Well, Josh and Willie are out in Japan on Thursday and Friday, and the Canadians are working on Wednesday and the weekend, and then next week all the other indies have shows... really, today's the last chance we're going to get to run a show with a full roster for a while."

"Yeah, but... I mean, we're head-to-head with SWF and TCW tonight. You know that, right?"

"Oh, come on, Marc. Who in their right mind would watch the best wrestlers in the world on TV for free when they could pay good money to sit in a cramped armoury and watch a bunch of nobodies? Wait, don't answer that."

--

-Before the show, Mario Heroic got some mic time, to remind the crowd that he was not, in fact, dead, and still intended to get his title belt back. (C)

-Then he worked off any ring rust by beating the crap out of Nevada Nuclear for a while in a dark match. (D)

-The show proper started with Champagne Lover and Willie Hayes. Lover dominated a short match before Mikey the Ninja came out and distracted him long enough for Hayes to steal a pin. (C)

-Lover chased Mikey to the back...(D)

-...while Marc Speed and John Greed snuck into the ring and beat down Hayes. (C-)

-Jean Cattley came out, looking for another fight... and was answered by "The Natural" Damian Carvill! (C-)

-Carvill destroyed Cattley for a while, until Jean decided he'd had enough, and walked out. (C)

-Carvill taunted him about not being as tough as he thought. (D)

-American Elemental met Plague in a #1 Contender's Match. The last time they met, it was a wild, back-and-forth aerial battle, with Plague taking the win. This time, they went all out, trying to top the last effort, but the result was mildly disappointing. Elemental went over to set up another rematch with JD. (C+)

-After his big win, Elemental got on the mic and offered to make his match with JD Morgan a little more interesting... with a steel cage! (D)

-Announcer/Interviewer Jerry Martin tried to get JD to respond to Elemental's challenge, but Morgan brushed him off, intent on his match with Shane... (E)

-...which was next. JD attacked Shane before any hugging could occur, but this only enraged Nelson. Shane gave JD everything he could handle with his high-flying stuff, but eventually JD caught him on the top rope for a superplex, then finished him off with a scorpion deathlock. (C-)

Overall: C

--

"You know what gets me about tonight's show?" asked John.

"I know, I know," said JD, trying to forestall the answer.

"The opener was better than the main event," said John anyways. "For some reason, all our main events have been disappointing recently. In fact, ever since we signed a certain overpaid Brit."

"Giedroyc's not overpa... oh, you mean me," said JD, voice thick with irony.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" said Elemental. "What? Dr. Strangelove was on last night."

Everyone stared at Elemental for a long moment, as if they'd heard that joke somewhere before. They each filed out wordlessly, as if they wanted nothing more to do with the whole situation.

"What? What?" asked Elemental to the empy room.

--

Next show!

-American Elemental has challenged JD Morgan to a cage match for the championship! Will JD accept? More importantly, can FGW find enough loose change in the couch cushions to afford a steel cage?
-Mario Heroic wants his belt back. Who will be the first step on his trip back to the top? The St. Paul Speedball, Marc Speed!
-Damian Carvill may be "The Natural", but a Plague is a Natural Disaster. Can Carvill survive the New Jersey Turnpike?
-Jean Cattley finally got a fight, and got more than he could handle. How will he respond?
-And will Nevada Nuclear ever get a chance in a non-dark match, or is he destined for the unemployment line?