[LondonVerse] Full Metal Mayhem: Heyman E. Danger's Revenge
They call me the mad genius of professional wrestling. I don’t know about genius, but mad’s as good a word as any. My name is Heyman E. Danger and this is my story. Part of it, anyway.
I’ve been a wrestling fan since I was a kid, but the part of me that wanted to break things down and see how they work won over the part that wanted to be like that when I grow up. Already since my teenage years, I was a journalist and photographer for various wrestling events, ever looking for a chance to sneak backstage and peer behind the veil. Long story short, at age 20 I officially got into the industry as a manager. That was twenty nine years ago. How time flies…
Long story short, I was now an “insider” and learning the business was part of the job. Slowly but surely, I began to toss out my ideas and those that stuck made quite the impact, giving me a reputation as a man with a good mind for the business. Everyone expected me to try my hand as a booker and given my vocal dislike of all things oldschool, traditional and cartoonish, people thought I’d sign up with Xtreme Combat Wrestling but when the time came, my pick was Empire State Wrestling instead.
ESW was known as the indy breeding ground of tomorrow’s stars and in hindsight, that’s part of what made me walk away, tired of having talent I’d built up and had plans for get signed by the bigger fish in the pond. XCW was our main rival with their “edgy” blood and guts product, but we were also besieged from all sides. Cruiserweight heaven AAA, all-female Pure Heart Wrestling and Canada’s Ring of Fire just north of the border were our main rivals, all of which we eventually outshined within a year or two. The competition kept us from growing to Cult size as fast as owner Paul Haydon wanted, but growth did come, even if at times it had to be forced, like when we bought out Extremo Mondo de Lucha Libre and their TV deal. But then I had a meltdown.
Our talent was being signed left and right on exclusive deals. All my ideas were going to waste, left half finished and wrapped up in a rush. I had lost faith and so had the fans; when you know an exodus is at hand, it’s hard to invest in characters and stories. Haydon didn’t understand. He wanted to hit the bigtime and kept on pressing me about it. Cult size didn’t come as fast as he wanted, the Mexican buyout and TV deal wasn’t paying the dividends he expected and that was on top of having him mess up our announcing as the third man, a post I gave him to keep him busy. It was August 2017, right after our monthly show, titled Brooklyn Beatdown and I wrapped up my post-show speech with a “goodbye and good luck”. I was calm, but Haydon was furious. Again, in hindsight, he had every right to be. I hadn’t talked about this with anyone and he had the biggest show of the year lined up next, so I essentially hung him up to dry in the worst possible moment. At the time, I didn’t see it like that though. His words struck a nerve and suddenly all my frustration, disappointment and negativity poured out. Long story short, we had a falling out.
I took a short break, but couldn’t escape the wrestling bug. Fans and media were buzzing with guesses of where I’d show up next, with the majority dreaming of a vengeance run at XCW. The truth was a lot less romantic though. I had no hard feelings towards Haydon and reputation or not, there were no booker vacancies at the time anyway. I wasn’t going back to taking orders from anyone, so I did the only thing left to do: I started my own promotion.
As the old saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words, so before I tell you more, you might want to check out our first show. Give you a bit of context before I present our original roster, lovingly dubbed “The Tenacious Twenty”. More important, it’s the best way to have you feel as excited and perplexed as fans were during that first show we put up. Now, where was that DVD...
The feed is shaky and out of focus, as if shot on low resolution using a smartphone. Whoever’s recording seems to finally get it right, as they run across a crowded parking area towards some commotion. When the cameraman stops at a safe distance, he focuses on four men, caught up in a fight.
From the action, it looks like it’s not a free for all; the two redneck-looking guys seem to be cooperating against the two homeless-looking hobos and it’s working: between their double teaming and their opponents’ disarray, they quickly get the upper hand, turning the fight into a one-sided beatdown. The smaller, scrappier one whips a foe head first into a car door, busting his skull open and causing a huge dent as the door caves in. Meanwhile, the larger of the duo picks up the other rival and puts him up on his shoulders, before he powerbombs him onto the hood of another car, collapsing on top of him. Out of the gathered crowd, a hispanic man in a striped referee shirt shows up, counting to three as if this was a normal, sanctioned match. Fans join in on the count and even mimic the sound of a bell, before exploding into cheers.
Rating: D 46
Cut to the inside of the venue and some proper camera work, as a familiar figure stands in the center of the ring with a mic in hand.
“Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to the Gorski Ballroom, here in sunny California. My name is Heyman E. Danger. I am the owner and promoter of Full Metal Mayhem, the home of real hardcore wrestling in the South West!”
Lights focus on the company logo above the entrance while the overhead camera takes a shot of the logo printed on the ring canvas
“I could stand here and explain to you all about Full Metal Mayhem, but I’d rather let our wrestlers take center stage and do what they do best, all the way to our big main event, where The Next Big Thing, Jax Traylor will take on The Samoan Studd , Siaki Uta’i for the FMM King of Kings title within the confines of a cage made entirely out of barb wire!”
Having dropped the punchline, Danger lets the fans cheer for a bit, then takes his spot at the announcing table so that the show can go on.
Rating: D 44
H.E.D: “Live from the Gorski Ballroom, it’s FMM’s first ever show, Coast to Coast! I’m Heyman E. Danger and joining me tonight on the announcing table is Brendon Franklin!”
BF: “Welcome everybody, our show was kicked off early tonight and I’m getting word the parking lot brawl you may have witnessed coming in has now been ratified as an official match!”
H.E.D: “That’s true, Brendon. You never know what you’re gonna get with FMM and that’s only the beginning!”
BF: “We’ll probably be seeing those four again, but for now it’s time to kick off the show with our first proper match inside the ring. Making their way first, the all-American team of Jim Skullet and Brodie Osiris!”
H.E.D: “What can you tell us about these two, Brendon?”
BF: “Brodie Osiris is synonymous with two things, my friend, thumbtacks and backyard wrestling. That would be the reason why MFF staff have already strewn both the mat and ringside area with thumbtacks, this is going to be the Nebraska native’s signature stipulation, a thumbtacks match! I’m curious to see how ‘the American Skullet’ can keep up as his teammate in this unusual redneck pairing.”
H.E.D: “Looks like their opponents tonight come from south of the border”
BF: “El Psicopata sure does, but the Hardcore Luchador, Kaleidoscope, is actually from Philly. Don’t let the masks fool you though, both men are more likely to hit someone with a chair than hit a high flying move”
H.E.D: “That’s actually a pretty viable strategy, Brandon, with all the thumbtacks lying around.”
Osiris and Kaleidoscope start the match and there’s no doubt that fans are in full support of the hardcore legend, treating Kaleidoscope with utter contempt and chants mocking lucha libre. It doesn’t help that the masked worker looks very afraid to walk around all the thumbtacks, dragging his feet before Osiris recklessly charges in to hit something between a spear and a spinebuster. Fans don’t seem to care though, seeing Kaleidoscope driven back first onto the tacks is good enough for them and they explode in a roar of approval. Obviously panicked, Kaleidoscope stumbles to his corner and tags in El Psicopata who jumps in over the top rope, much to the fans’ delight as he doesn’t seem to care about the tacks. Grabbing a handful of tacks, Psicopata grinds them on the face of Osiris to make him bleed, then hits him with a flurry of blows until Osiris hits a desperate headbutt that leaves them both on the mat, staring at the lights and bleeding, though some of Psicopata’s crimson may be his body paint, mixed with his sweat, which only makes for a more gruesome image. The two men struggle to get back on their feet and it’s Skullet who gets the hot tag, rushing in to prevent Psicopata from tagging. Not that Kaleidoscope looks in any hurry to get back in the ring, once again causing fans to turn against him as Skullet unloads his arsenal of moves on Psicopata, before tagging in Osiris to hit his trademark Pin Cushion finisher, a Russian Legsweep STO onto the tacks for the pin and victory.
Brodie Osiris & Jim Skullet vs El Psicopata & Kaleidoscope
Rating: D- 41
BF: “Brodie Osiris doing what he does best to score the win for his team! The man thrives in this environment, but take nothing away from Skullet or their opponents, especially the nutcase Psicopata!”
H.E.D: “Kaleidoscope has a long way to go if he still wants to be called the Hardcore Luchador in this company”
BF: “ Speaking of men who have a long way ahead before they make it in MFF, get a load of this guy; it’s the Eastern Emo, a man who goes by the name of Dae Yong!”
H.E.D: “Emo? Is that still a thing?”
BF: “It might not be after tonight, because his opponent is none other than the Ghanian Grizzly, Sheik Balazaar!”
H.E.D: “It’s the legend himself, in the flesh!”
BF: “And out for a pound of flesh, it seems. How can Dae Yong hope to ever defeat the Barb Wire Messiah?”
H.E.D: “He’s already bleeding and he likes it! And the match hasn’t even started yet!”
Fans hate everything about Dae Yong, from his emo look and antics to his utter inability to land even the most basic of moves right. Sheik Balazaar doesn’t even seem to feel Yong’s shitty offense and once he’s had enough, he gets to work, mauling the youngster as the fans voice their approval of the ensuing bloodshed. Once Yong is down and dazed, the Sheik takes a stroll outside the ring to look for anything under the apron that can be used as a weapon. Once he’s satisfied with everything he’s pulled out and thrown into the ring, he returns to use it on Yong, fans popping for every spot, until the final one where he hits his Arabian Crush on a bed of nails to pin the rookie.
Sheik Balazaar vs Dae Yong
Rating: E+ 30
BF: “Five minutes and fifty one seconds, that’s more than a handful of the Sheik’s opponents usually last. And it looks like the Sheik’s bloodlust hasn’t been sated yet!”
H.E.D: “Look out, it’s the cavalry to the rescue!”
BF: “That’s Oscar Bryant! Veteran of the hardcore and backyard scene!”
H.E.D: “Veteran? You say that while Sheik Balazaar is still in the ring?”
Bryant gets in the ring and grabs a 2x4 board wrapped in barb wire, which he breaks in half on the Sheik’s back. The Ghanian feels the blow, but the match has taken very little out of him to take him out and now Bryant is without a weapon as the Sheik turns around. Everyone sees what’s coming next and despite Bryant’s best efforts, the Sheik destroys him too, eventually powerbombing him on top of the fallen Dae Yong.
Rating: D+ 49
BF: “The Sheik has left a trail of destruction in his wake and it looks like he’s finally had enough to leave the ring!”
H.E.D: “At least Bryant’s experience saw him fare better than Yong.”
BF: “If you thought that was violent, we’re only getting started! Up next is the first title match of the night and it’s for the FMM Faces of Death!”
The referee holds up two masks as the announcement is being made
H.E.D: “Forget everything you thought you knew about wrestling and that includes the prizes being belts or cups. This is FMM!”
BF: “And it is only fitting that the Faces of Death will be contested for in a Deathmatch. Here comes team number one, Danger Young and ‘3B’, also known as the Baltimore Backyard Bruiser!”
BF: “Danger Young is a man that turns the extreme psychopathic maniac all the way to eleven, whether it’s weapons, dives or using his own body as a weapon. So mad, reckless and unpredictable, even Xtreme Combat Wrestling were too scared to hire him!”
H.E.D: “This ain’t XCW, Brendon! Young has the balls to do his thing and MFF has the balls to not only sign him, but team him up with 3B as well!”
BF: “Their opponents may not have such an impressive resume, but make no mistake, they are more than capable of bringing the hardcore ultraviolence to the table, sometimes through it! Luke Miller and ‘The Wild Man from New England’ Butch Williams, collectively known as The Junkyard Dogs!”
3B and Luke Miller start the match, the latter getting the better of the initial exchange as his opponent is slower and struggles to do damage with anything that doesn’t involve swinging a weapon. Miller isolates his opponent on his corner, using quick tags and double team moves together with Williams to wear 3B down. Showing no regard for his own well being, Young breaks it up by grabbing a chair and springboarding himself across the ring, leaving all four men crumbling on the corner. Running on adrenaline, Young rises back up first and whacks both his opponent with the bent chair, but a new face comes out to get in the ring behind him and grab the chair before the final swing.
FMM Faces of Death title match
Danger Young & Baltimore Backyard Bruiser vs The Junkyard Dogs
BF: “It’s the savage man from the Rockies, Wild William Kent! What’s he doing here?”
H.E.D: “Destroying what’s left of that chair by smashing it on Danger Young’s back, apparently.”
BF: “Kent isn’t scheduled to wrestle tonight and apparently he’s not happy at all about it!"
Having recovered in the meantime, the Junkyard Dogs pick up the Baltimore Backyard Bruiser, who’s still technically the legal man and Butch Williams deliver the Steel Spike, a spike piledriver to end the match and crown the Dogs the inaugural FMM Faces of Death.
Rating: D- 39
BF: “We have our first champions, Luke Miller and Butch Williams are the first ever FMM Faces of Death!”
H.E.D: “Don’t hold your breath, Brendon, we’ve got two more matches coming up and you could very well say the next one is a proper dream match!”
BF: “There’s Bobo the Hardcore Clown and he’s brought his trademark barb wire bat to the ring!”
H.E.D: “Bobo is well known to hardcore fans across the country, but tell us a few words about his opponent tonight, Brendon."
BF: “Mimic is a scary, scary individual. Like Bobo, he cut his chops with XCW, but left for Japan and Oriental Fight Club long before Bobo was around. Some say he’s the prime inspiration that led to the creation of Bobo, yet the two have yet to compete on the same show.”
H.E.D: ”That changes tonight, Brendon, because they’re not just on the same show, they’re on the same match. Welcome to Full Metal Mayhem!”
BF: “Fans have wanted to see this for ages and Full Metal Mayhem is the one to make it happen tonight”
H.E.D: “Exactly, and free of crap like fighting over the rights to the gimmick. Just pure, hardcore violence; never before has ‘Ultimate Deathmatch’ been more fitting than this!”
Bat still in hand, Bobo offers a handshake before the match begins. Mimic hesitates, but shakes Bobo’s hand in the end, only to get electrocuted. Making the best of the surprise, Bobo puts his bat to work but the sight of Mimic’s own blood seems to cause something inside him to snap. In a fit of rage, Mimic grabs the bat off Bobo’s hands, giving him a taste of his own medicine before going out to set up a table. He then empties a bag of thumbtacks around it in case he misses, pouring any remaining ones on top of the table, but climbing back on the apron, Bobo superkicks him out, to send him crashing through the table. This gives Bobo plenty of time to set up four chairs inside the ring, then lay a sheet of glass on top of them. Once he goes to pick up Mimic though, he falls victim to a handful of tacks thrown in his face. Making his comeback, Mimic whacks his opponent in the head with a metal gas can lying nearby, which he then pops open to douse Bobo. Fans stretch out their hands to offer their lighters to Mimic and he does indeed grab one to use, though Bobo uses the squirting flower on his chest to shoot water on it and prevent it from working. For his trouble, Mimic smacks him in the head with a crowbar that was lying near his feet, then proceeds to drag Bobo back into the ring. Mimic looks like he’s going to suplex or maybe powerbomb Bobo onto the glass sheet, but Bobo somehow blocks it out of pure survival instinct, reversing the move into his Cruel Joke finisher, a Flapjack that sends Mimic through the glass and putting him out for the count at last.
Bobo the Clown vs Mimic
Rating: D+ 49
BF: “What a match! These two were out to kill each other! For a dream match, this lived every bit up to the hype!”
H.E.D: “And it was just the semi main event, Brendon! The final match looks to be even bloodier, because it will be held inside a cage made of barb wire!"
BF: “While that cage is being set up, tell us a few things about one of the two men in that match, Jax Traylor. I understand he’s something like a protege of yours?”
H.E.D: “He’s my client, Brendon. A real beast, blending power and athleticism like you’ve never seen before. I am not exaggerating at all when I call him the Next Big Thing.”
BF: “His opponent tonight is Siaki Uta’i, more commonly known as the Samoan Studd. A single look at this man tells you everything you need to know and there he is, making his way to the ring already holding two title belts, the Ring of Fire and XCW Tag Team titles. He’ll be looking to win himself a third one tonight against Traylor.”
H.E.D: “His first singles title, Brendon, if he wins it. Fun fact, his teammate and fellow XCW Tag Team champion is none other than the men who one the previous match, Bobo the Hardcore Clown!”
The match kicks off with a lot of static brawling, but neither man seems to get the best of the exchange as both are equal in terms of size and power. What swings momentum in Traylor’s favor is his agility, when he suddenly decides to change his approach and duck under a lariat showing unusual grace for a man his size. Carried away by the force of his strike, Studd almost crashes on the cage but stops just in time, only for Traylor to tackle him from behind and send him face first into the ugly stuff. Not only is Studd bleeding all over after this, but the wire gets bent, compromising the integrity of the entire cage. This evolves into the dominant element of the match as the two drive each other into the barb wire, essentially bringing it closer and closer to collapsing on top of them. When a wall finally gives way and collapses inwards to cover the mat, both men are bleeding and exhausted, Studd more than Traylor, whose athletic background has equipped him with tons of stamina. Like a shark smelling blood in the water, Traylor looks to hit his “Jaxed Up” finisher, a variation of the Last Ride elevated powerbomb, but Studd fights back before Traylor can lift his massive frame onto his shoulders and reverses into his own Island Driver 3000 finisher onto the fallen barb wire wall, a Death Valley Driver that’s enough (given the situation) to put Traylor out for the count.
Barb Wire Cage match for the FMM King of Kings title
“The Next Big Thing” Jax Traylor vs “The Samoan Studd” Siaki Uta’i
Rating: C 64
BF: “Studd wins! Studd wins! All hail the King of Kings, holder of three different titles from three different promotions at the same time!"
H.E.D: “Traylor made him work for it and here’s the other half of the XCW Tag Team champions, Bobo the Hardcore Clown!”
BF: “What a moment for Studd and Bobo is here to celebrate with him”
Bobo picks up Samoan Studd and hands him the FMM King of Kings title, raising his hand in celebration as Jax Traylor leaves the ring and stumbles backstage. Once the collapsed barb wire segment of the wall is freed up, Bobo suddenly turns on Studd and hits him with the Cruel Joke, flapjacking him and himself onto the barb wire.
BF: “What the hell?!”
H.E.D: “Keep that teamwork crap for XCW, this is FMM and Bobo isn’t happy with his partner’s success!”
BF: “You think it’s jealousy that drove Bobo to do this?”
H.E.D: “No one knows what goes on in Bobo’s mind, not even himself sometimes. I know what went down in the ring though!”
BF: “A despicable act of betrayal and now Bobo’s spitting on top of the fallen Studd! Make sure to catch FMM’s next show to find out what happens next! I’m Brendon Franklin…”
H.E.D: “...and I’m Heyman E. Danger, from the bloody battlegrounds of Full Metal Mayhem, we bid you goodnight!”
Rating: C- 57
Show Rating: C- 58