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  #1  
Unread 04-20-2019, 03:53 PM
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Bigelow Cartwheel Bigelow Cartwheel is offline
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Default The Oddworld

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Last edited by Bigelow Cartwheel : 04-20-2019 at 03:58 PM.
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Unread 04-20-2019, 03:54 PM
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Good things come to those who wait.

But bad things come to those who set up a piss poor wrestling company and fill it with junkies, layabouts and the cheapest talent available. And I use the word ‘talent’ in the broadest of terms. This one is going to be bad, there’s no escaping it. No one has any real experience and the ones that do, it’s mostly bad. Like Mad Dog Mortimer. If ever an advert was needed to dissuade someone from getting into the wrestling business, this was it. The poster boy for broken down hardcore wrestlers everywhere. No money, no health insurance, no knees. Sigh. He works cheap. Again, broadest of terms. Take Lucas Danger (please, someone take him). Sweet kid, but he doesn’t stand a chance while he keeps sticking that shit in himself. I’m all for youthful exuberance but that stuff kills. I should probably stop selling it to him. Ah well, no great loss. Not like we’re losing a cure for cancer here.

I curl my lip into a snarl and stare into the grime smeared mirror. Little adjustment of the top hat. Perfect. If I had a Dick Dastardly moustache I’d be twiddling it. Mental note: consider Dick Dastardly moustache.

I can see someone is behind me trying to catch themselves in the mirror. Seth Whitehead, my one good guy, is trying to tease out his hair to cover his receding hairline. 22 years old. Looks 40 if he’s a day. Wonderful.

‘Use this.’ I hand him a bandana. ‘You’re my new street tough.’

This clearly had caught him off guard.

‘Back in Minnesota we didn’t need gimmicks’ he countered. ‘I’d stretch a few guys, some fancy holds. Y'know... back in Minnes-’

‘You can f*** off back to Minnesota if you don’t put the wretched thing on. Everyone has to have a gimmick. And try and talk like you’re from New York. You’re on last with the big bastard. Get six minutes out of him then roll him up.’

‘How am I - ’

‘I don’t care. Six minutes. And remember: New York.’

I shove him out of the cramped back room that has become my office and return to admiring myself in the mirror. Outside the door I can hear a woeful ‘Ayy, I’m walkin here’ and shake my head. Idiot.

This really is a damn fine top hat.

Two hundred chairs were made available for tonight’s show. I told them to stop putting them out after twenty. No one is coming to watch this crap. And yet, I feel oddly proud. They may be a rag-tag bunch of misfits but they’re my misfits, my pay cheque. And this really is a circus. We’ve got plenty of clowns, Anders Thunder has roughly the same size, speed and hygiene as an elephant and if you came to see the guy stick his head in the lion’s mouth, watch what happens when someone takes on Martyr.

I rub my hands and admire myself one last time. There has to be easier ways to make money but unless one presents itself in the next 30 seconds... it’s show time.





The-Oddworld-Diary-Poster-DEF4


Last edited by Bigelow Cartwheel : 04-24-2019 at 08:00 AM.
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  #3  
Unread 04-20-2019, 03:54 PM
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Bigelow Cartwheel Bigelow Cartwheel is offline
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OWC-Logo





Seth-Whitehead-alt3
OWC Heavyweight Champion
OWC-HW


Silas-Odswald Seth-Whitehead-alt3 Martyr-alt1
Silas Odswald - Seth Whitehead - Martyr


Mad-Dog-Mortimer-alt Anders-Thunder-alt2 Lucas-Danger-alt
Mad Dog Mortimer - Anders Thunder - Lucas Danger


Katoh-Freak-alt Danjuro-Kikuchi-alt
Katoh Freak - Danjuro Kikuchi


Clare-South Gregory-Chapman
Clare South - Gregory Chapman



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Gidayu Katou




A NOTE:
Thank you to all the contributors on this forum who have worked so hard to create excellent renders to update, and often improve, the originals and to stimulate a gamer’s creativity. I do not have their talent. The renders on this diary are lovingly magpied and then hamfistedly butchered on MS Paint. Thank you to those who have done the real work.

Last edited by Bigelow Cartwheel : 07-16-2019 at 05:24 AM.
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  #4  
Unread 04-20-2019, 03:55 PM
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Welcome to the Oddworld
Attendance: 9


Silas Odswald opens the show, telling everyone what it’s all about. I don’t know why I’m referring to myself in the third person but there we are. I’m not as good as I think I am but if you thought it couldn’t get any worse from here, you’re dead wrong. Rating: E-


Mad Dog Mortimer vs Martyr – Hardcore match
Mad Dog comes out adorned in the Confederate flag to Ted Nugent’s Stranglehold. He hobbles well for a man with no knees, sinking 3 beers before reaching the ring and casting the empties into the front row. Martyr is genuinely terrifying. The blood stained hockey mask, the chainsaw, the apparent lack of any basic wrestling training. Terrifying. Ironically it’s Martyr who gets injured in this encounter. First show, first match, first injury. A back strain from the sandbagging Mortimer. The match blew chunks but you knew it would. It was always going to. Martyr, wincing, drove Mad Dog onto a chair with a Vengeance Driver (Burning Hammer) for the three. Rating: F+


The room just got a little warmer as Clare South makes her way to the ring. The dress is practically painted on. A father and son in the front row have an uncomfortable exchange. Speaking of uncomfortable exchanges, Clare has the misfortune of interviewing Anders Thunder about his match with Seth Whitehead tonight. Anders, this huge towering man, rippling with muscle... speaks with a gentle Swedish lilt exuding serenity. He says he’s going to beat Seth, presumably by boring him to death. It’s not exactly what the blood thirsty mob in attendance are after. Rating F


Things are looking a little ugly in there and Anders is no use. He stares dumbly at the canvas. I stick my head through the curtain and look imploringly at Clare. I know she hates this but she’s a good soldier. Anders troops off but no one is looking at him, Clare South is in the ring dancing sexily to Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet. Just.... wow. Good luck to the poor saps having to follow that.Rating: C


Silas Odswald vs Lucas Danger
This was horrible. I was sure I'd booked this for me to go over but I had been drinking and Lucas is so strung out even the most basic of conversations are a challenge. There was clearly some miscommunication at hand. Lucas caught me with a backslide, the referee - woefully out of position - counted three, and mercifully this one is over. Rating F


Seth Whitehead hits the ring and he's pumped up. Leather jacket, gold chain, slicked back hair. His imitation of a New Yorker is horrible but it makes the whole spectacle almost fascinating. He tells the crowd (can 9 people really be classed as a crowd?) that he has a match tonight with Anders Thunder. No one cares. Someone makes a derogatory comment about Seth's hair to a smattering of applause. Seth appears to sulk as we head into our main event. Rating F+


MAIN EVENT
Seth Whitehead vs Anders Thunder

Well if you read the blurb in the second post you'll know how this one goes. For those of you catching up this was a challenging affair that Seth did not particularly relish. After being clubbed, stiffed, sandbagged and crushed, Whitehead caught the big man with a roll up for the win. I think at least half the 'crowd' left when Clare did. Rating F+


Show Rating: E


* * * * *

So, very first show, Mad Dog Mortimer turns up very late. For a guy with limited appeal and literally a 20 year career of achieving nothing this guy has got some balls on him. I call him a prick and we part on good terms.

To no one's surprise Lucas Danger wrestled wasted. I'd do something about it but he's a regular. I need to keep him close. His tab is getting dangerously high. DANGERously? High? See what I did there? Pfft, I'm going for a beer with Clare South.



Last edited by Bigelow Cartwheel : 04-21-2019 at 05:13 PM.
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  #5  
Unread 04-21-2019, 12:21 AM
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Darin Walker Darin Walker is offline
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Yes. YES. All of my yes. I'm in.

Lucus Danger is divinity come to Earth and should be treated as such. He'll do lovely things to the backstage environment, I promise.

You are hereby ordered to continue this dynasty forever.
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  #6  
Unread 04-21-2019, 05:29 AM
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I never expected that I needed this until now, looking forward for all sorts of tomfoolery.
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  #7  
Unread 04-21-2019, 06:47 AM
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Lucas Danger is in a suit.

I'm in;.
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  #8  
Unread 04-21-2019, 11:02 AM
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Bigelow Cartwheel Bigelow Cartwheel is offline
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Thanks for the comments guys.

Iím a couple of shows ahead in the game and Lucas Danger is already bringing me lots of fun. Never change.
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  #9  
Unread 04-21-2019, 06:52 PM
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Something Wicked This Way Comes
Attendance: 12


Whatís that? The uncomfortable silence. The complete absence of any incidents? Everyone arrived and accounted for? No one stoned off their gourd? Itíll never last. My hand shakes as I pour a double whatever I found in this cupboard. Where are we?

In other news Martyr says his back is fine. If only we could do something about the halitosis. Seriously, he wears that mask the whole damn time heís in the venue and his stale breath just seeps through the holes. Iíve never even seen him eat, though Iím convinced he consumes small animals whole. Live.


* * *


Happily Iím opening the show and able to excuse myself from Martyr. Iíve the small matter of announcing a tournament for the vacant OWC Heavyweight Championship. Itís a big deal. Rating: E


Anders Thunder vs Mad Dog Mortimer

This match was fascinating to watch... if you enjoy documentaries on ice cap erosion or the shifting of tectonic plates. Anders Thunderís glacial movement is offset by a man that in any other profession would be provided mobility assistance. Iím seriously questioning why I booked this. Anders hits a few slams and poses in slow motion, cupping his hand to his ear, but crucially misses the big leg drop and Mortimer uses the ropes for leverage for the pin. Scoundrel. Rating: F+


Next Clare South is out with Martyr to ask him about his match with yours truly in the first round of the tournament. Call it cliche but Martyr does the whole slow, heavy breathing behind the hockey mask gimmick very well. Clare looks genuinely terrified. I am enjoying myself immensely until I remember Iím gonna be getting in the ring with that 80s horror psychopath. Rating: F


Martyr vs Silas Odswald Ė Hardcore match
For reasons beyond my recollection I decided to make this one hardcore. Donít ask me why. I donít remember the finish we decided upon, or even having the conversation, but the end result was that I went for a chair shot and had it kicked through my face. Remind me who the boss is again. Rating: F+


Clareís back out, God bless herÖ or parts of her... and Seth Whitehead is with her to promote his match with Lucas Danger. Seth seemed genuinely surprised at the handful of cheers Lucasí name generated. This was unexpected. He told Clare that Lucas can ĎFuhgeddaboutit.í My head is in my hands. Rating: F+


Seth Whitehead vs Lucas Danger

Now Iím watching through my fingers. This is what you call a medium match: itís not rare and itís certainly not well done (ohh ho ho ho /Statler & Waldorf). My head hurts. I missed the finish but apparently Lucas looked alright out there until Seth telegraphed a swanton bomb and hit his butterfly powerbomb for the win. Cool. Rating: E-


Out of nowhere, everyoneís favourite hardcore redneck, Mad Dog Mortimer cleans Whitehead out with a ladder. Not so cool. For Seth. At this point I think Mort could set him on fire and the fans wouldnít respond. Rating: F


OWC Heavyweight Championship
Mad Dog Mortimer vs Martyr vs Seth Whitehead Ė Ladder match

The OWC belt, tarnished and ugly, hangs tantalisingly close to the fighters below. Mad Dog Mortimer, tarnished and ugly, gets close once or twice before Seth Whitehead and Martyr duke it out atop the ladder. Whitehead looks to be in the ascendancy, throwing several hard rights, only for Martyr to ram Sethís face into the rungs and seize the prize above. Rating: E



Show Rating: E



* * *


Apparently, Seth was about to complain about the main event until he saw Martyr cracking his knuckles and glaring. I bit my knuckles laughing when I heard.

I'm getting feedback from the locker room that Gregory Chapman is not a good referee and that rather than adding to the experience he is actually detracting from it. My succinct message back to the collective is that he's cheap. No change.

Also it's been mentioned more than once that my matches are causing static amongst the vocal audience. Mental note: I need to raise ticket prices to weed out the riff-raff.







Last edited by Bigelow Cartwheel : 04-21-2019 at 07:21 PM.
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  #10  
Unread 04-22-2019, 11:56 PM
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BC...you glorious bastard. 👍
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  #11  
Unread 04-23-2019, 01:54 AM
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Bigelow Cartwheel Bigelow Cartwheel is offline
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Ha. Thanks man.
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  #12  
Unread 04-23-2019, 03:26 AM
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Quote:
Also it's been mentioned more than once that my matches are causing static amongst the vocal audience. Mental note: I need to raise ticket prices to weed out the riff-raff.
So true at times.
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  #13  
Unread 04-23-2019, 04:40 AM
EBEZA EBEZA is offline
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Well, this is a different take on Local to Global!
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  #14  
Unread 04-23-2019, 05:14 AM
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Bigelow Cartwheel Bigelow Cartwheel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Herrbear View Post
So true at times.
If only I wasn't employing the riff-raff.
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  #15  
Unread 04-23-2019, 05:14 AM
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Bigelow Cartwheel Bigelow Cartwheel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EBEZA View Post
Well, this is a different take on Local to Global!
Let's be fair, if this makes small we'll all be amazed.
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