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#1
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USPW: Where Ages 68 and Older Still Won't Retire
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 My name is Jacob Stranton, and I am, despite what others may tell you, a very promising, upcoming writer for television. I've only recently come up with the best idea of my entire career and today is the day I pitch my pilot to my boss. "Look Mr. Washburn, I know you told me to just keep my young, ignorant gob shut and do my job-" "So why the hell aren't you?" When do I ever? "But I think I finally got it. A show that could give our network a chance in the ratings." "Shut your ignorant gob and get back to doing your goddamn job Jacob!" "Now today's youth still enjoy superheroes, but market research shows that they just can't relate to their messages of good will towards your fellow man, doing the right thing, being selfless, stealing is uncool, eat your vegetables, or thou shalt not kill or Superman will superpunch you in the balls." "Jay, at this point I could get a monkey and it would be more productive than you." I concede to the monkey in productivity and cleanliness, but it just won't have the way with words that I do. "Yeah, well just make sure it doesn't have the pox. Anyhow, todays youth want an edgy superhero, one they can relate to. One who steals, does drugs, makes love to a woman and never calls them again, insults people for no reason other than 'because I can' or 'look, he's different', drinks and parties hard, and who never actually accomplishes anything due to procrastination." "Jay, if you don't stop pitching me these stupid pilots I'm going to fire you." No, you won't. "Just hear me out on this one, it's perfect to capture the coveted 8-34 year old market." "We have a good viewership in those markets." Yeah, 200 people. The only advertiser that wants a piece of that action makes cheese in his moms basement. "But Mr. Washburn, it's a superhero show. It's a lot better than the crap that you have on now. It's called... Get ready for it.... Get excited.... Pretends there's a drumroll here..... Tension~!.... 'The Adventures of Negativity-Rex and Douche-Lad!' ...Well?" ".... Get the hell out of my office." "Now I know this may not seem to fit the companies image-" "We're a sports network, not trash TV like Pop." "But I really feel that people will actually watch this instead of the crap we already air." "Again Jay, we're a sports network." Hah! "Yeah, and a second-rate one to boot." "Don't call my network second-rate." Third-rate any better, boss? "But it is. Sports America: Airing the crap GNN won't. We don't get football, we don't get baseball, hell we don't even get hockey. We get badminton, indoor kart racing, eXtreme figure skating, Segway Polo, Pro Wrestling, Women's Basketball, and curling. Curling for f***s sake. Even Canada doesn't want curling." "Have you ever actually watched curling?" "No. Have you? And I'm pretty sure that making me goes against the cruel and inhumane torture act." "Jacob, let me tell you something. You're lucky that you write the best captions for the website out of anyone else here." And an easy task really. I mean what other job is going to pay me this well to insult people? "But if you don't focus on getting that done I'm not going to keep you around. Understood?" "I understand sir." "Good." "And thinking about it I don't think Sports America should be a sports network anymore. I mean not that it ever really was in the publics eye, more of a joke for D-list comedians to make fun of to feel better about themselves. I digress on that point though. You're in charge around here, you can totally do that." "Jay, firstly think about our stockholders." "You mean the cow farmer in Arkansas and the Eskimo blubber hunter? They're loyal to us Mr. Washburn. I mean they'd have to be. They bought stock when it was $ .24 and it's now down to $ .11 a share. I really don't think they expect us to improve much as is." "We have more stockholders than those two Jay. Apart from that we appeal to a very loyal audience." "And a very niche one at that. Public Access beats us in the rating on a regular basis. Public Access!" Seriously, The Stamford High School Televangelist Hour outdoes most of our programming in ratings. Production values too. "Jacob, I'm going to count from five. If you're not out of my office before then and back at your desk doing your job I will fire you. Do you understand?" No comprendé. "No, not really. I'm just trying to help out here Mr. Washburn." "Five, four, three..." "I really feel my skills could be better utilized than just writing captions." "Two, one..." "I feel my skills can be used to tell a great story, and I just can't see any realistic way to spice up Segway Polo." "Zero. You haven't left." "Nope." "Clean out your desk." "Am I fired?" "Jacob, go clean out your desk." "So, when will I get my severance pay? Or do I just collect unemployment? How's this going to work?" "...Your new boss is going to work that out with you." "New boss? You lost me there Mr. Washburn." "Jacob, you're not being fired, you're being transferred to a show that I think your 'unique' talents will be better utilized." "Oh, cool. Wait, what show? Please don't let it be curling sir, please no, anything but that sir! Anything..." Last edited by J Silver : 02-28-2010 at 11:27 PM. 
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#5
02-28-2010, 03:31 PM
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Hey, and indeed hey. Cool to have you back. See you on Valentines for the next post?
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#6
02-28-2010, 10:17 PM
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Hahaha, you're gonna get stuck on USPW. I saw the pro wrestling gag in what the network airs.
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#7
02-28-2010, 10:30 PM
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Sweetness. I would have followed regardless of what promotion you ended up choosing, but this definitely feels "right". Glad to be in from the start this time and looking forward to whatever you might have in store for us...
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#8
02-28-2010, 10:38 PM
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Uh oh. There goes the neighborhood! lol. Good to see you back, J. Silver, and glad to see you running USPW. The promotion wouldn't be the same without you!
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#9
03-01-2010, 01:40 PM
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The Fantasy Promotion It's not curling, of that much I've been assured. Where I've been transferred and what I'll be doing still remains a mystery to me though as Mr. Washburn just reassured me that I'll 'enjoy' my new position. I'm not sure I believe him yet. I walked back to my desk observing our withering studio as I did. All the viewers and advertising money that my vision of 'The Adventures of Negativity-Rex and Douche-Lad' could bring to this crappy station and Washburn passes on it. Sometimes I really wonder how he could've have earned that bachelor's degree in advertising turning down great ideas like mine. Oh well, time to clear out my desk and go wherever the one-way train ticket that's supposed to be on my desk takes me. When I got to my desk I found my supervisor Randall Myles waiting for me. The good thing is that Randy actually likes me which is odd because most of my superiors either find me annoying, insufferable, tough to deal with or just a genral pain in the ass. Actually most of my relatives do too. Would be nice to be invited to Christmas dinner this year. "Going on a trip?" Randy asks as I walk up to him looking at the tickets "Yup, I just got transferred and a promotion" I answer. Randy looks at me quizzically, "To Florida?" "Guess so. Why do you ask?" "No reason, I'm just not aware of any Sports America divisions out there." "Maybe I'm supposed to be the one who starts it up then." "No offense Jay, but you?" "Hey, I'm capable." "Not saying you aren't, it's just that Washburn kind of, ya know, hates you." "I'll give you a call when I get down there." I grab the envelope with my tickets from his hand, "Hope you're prepared to be wrong." "And I hope you're prepared to accept that he actually went to the expense of paying for plane tickets-" "Train tickets." "Wow, that's really cheap of him. Anyway, as I was saying I hope you're prepared to realize he went through the expense of getting you train tickets-" "Ticket." "-Just to leave you stranded in Florida and far away from him." "He wouldn't do that, it involves too much expenditure on his part." "We'll see. Good luck out there." I cleaned out my desk which mostly just consisted of an assortment of notepads and sketchpads detailing some of my ideas for 'The Adventures of Negativity-Rex & Douche-Lad' and other awesome ideas that Mr. Washburn passed on. I threw those and my laptop into a nice cardboard box and bid farewell to my co-workers, the next time they see me I'll be the only successful thing ever produced by Sports America. With a skip in my step I walked out the front door, the security guard being nice enough to escort me out. Never know what kind of crazies walk these Connecticut streets. I took the city bus home as I always do and started packing up my stuff for my new future in Florida, land of sun, fun and hopefully hot women. In what I guess is a lucky break for me I didn't have much to pack, my last landlord tossed most of my stuff out and broke most of the rest of it. If only daddy had been more careful. I could hardly sleep that night envisioning what kind of exciting new adventures were just on the horizon for me when I get to Florida and go to this building that I've been instructed to by this little piece of paper. Maybe I'll be heading up a new division of Sports America, or maybe Mr. Washburn has connections and I got through to him with my newest pilot, or maybe Randy's right and he plans to leave me stranded out there. I'd rather not think about that last one, though it does give me an idea for an episode of 'The Adventures of Negativity-Rex & Douche-Lad.' I awoke the next morning to the blaring sounds of my alarm, fell out of bed, had breakfast, took a taxi to the train station, boarded it and was on my way to my future. Two miserable days on a train with 5 year olds yelling and screaming around me and using me as their personal punching bag while their fatass mother just sat there and did nothing about it, actually kind of encouraging them by telling the little mistakes to leave her alone later I finally arrived in Sunny Miami, Florida. I picked up a map from a very nice bum on the street and went on my way to see the sights and settle into my new job, whatever that may be. After consulting my handy dandy new, only slight stained (I don't really want to know with what) map I realized I was only 4 blocks away from my ultimate destination. I also spotted a very intriguing location sort of on my way there, and being a true red-blooded American there was no way to pass up on something this beautifully American. I walked up to it dragging my boxes behind me, the sign itself just so beautiful, Haulover Beach, Miami Nude Beach. A nude beach, being head of my own division, my writing finally being recognized for it's worth. It's like all of my dreams coming true in one day, I take back all of the bad things I said about Mr. Washburn, not the network though, that's still crap. I dropped my boxes and my backpack and waded through the bushes until I came out on the other side and saw the promised land, and it..... is ......blinding me. I feel lied to like when I found out it wasn't the tooth fairy taking my teeth from under my pillow and leaving me a toothbrush. The beach was lined with nude sunbathers, mostly women and every single one somewhere between 60 and 70 judging by the wrinkles. The wrinkles were everywhere. Everywhere. Where the hell are all of the young attractive people I was promised in those girls gone wild videos I asked myself as I hightailed it out of there as soon as I could. I'll never look at grandma the same way again... Never had I been so glad to have been too broke to have lunch. I'd be liable to lose it right about now. I picked up my backpack and grabbed hold of my box again and made my way towards my destination. On the way there I noticed a somewhat strange phenomenon, everyone I passed on the street on my way there was old. I don't mean like in their 40's old, I mean white haired and retired 60+ years old. It was like a scene out of that horror movie 'Night of The Living Old' or whatever it's called. I had been in Florida for almost an hour now and not seen one young person, not even a child. What kind of bizarre, sick, twisted place had Mr. Washburn sent me? What could he possibly want me to run out here? Why did I have to take back all of the bad things I said about him? Conflabit, that was so naive of me, I should have thought about it over a nice glass of prune juice. I finally made it to the building that was listed on the piece of paper. I walked into the front foyer and looked at the listing on the side, I was looking for suite 3. I looked down the list and found it, my future. I read it aloud to myself, "USPW, United... States.... Pro ......Wrestling?"  Wrestling? Wrestling?! Goddammit! That's two fantasies ruined in the same day.... Thank you for the comments everyone. Quote:
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.... Christmas. Hey, wipe that smug smile off your face. One more backstory post before getting to the show which'll be up on this Wednesday. As though anyone's actually going to believe that... Last edited by J Silver : 03-01-2010 at 02:06 PM. Reason: Doubt no more, I probably mean it
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#10
03-01-2010, 02:02 PM
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#11
03-02-2010, 02:29 PM
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65 And Older Need Not Apply Well, now I understand a little better what he meant when he said I was getting a promotion. He meant a wrestling promotion. Maybe I can just go into unemployment, I hear it's a growing field these days. I contemplated that route, but after giving it thought I figured maybe wrestling isn't such a bad option. I mean it's basically just a violent, somewhat sensical soap opera meant for men and dirty, horny old women, right? I decided I'd try this out. What's the worst that could happen? I walked up to the office and ventured in. This place was almost as much of a dump as Sports America Headquarters. I walked up to the receptionist who looked to be well into her 60's. She was doing her nails and talking to her girlfriend on the phone. "Hi." I walked up and said uneasily. She turned her head and stared at me for a moment, "Rhonda, I'll call ya back." She said into her phone before hanging it up. "So, what can I do for you handsome?" "I'm, uhh... I'm here about a job." "Well doll you'll just need to fill out on of these applications." "Actually I was transferred here by Mr. Washburn." "Washburn? Oh, that network jerk. Mr. Strong's been waiting for you and may I say you're much better looking than your file photo." I think she's hitting on me. "He has? Really? Well, can I see him?" The secretary picks up her phone and dials a few numbers, "Mr. Strong, your new booker's here. Mhmm... yeah.... of course.... I'll send him right in." "Mr. Strong's waiting for you in his office. It's straight down the hall and to your right. You can't miss it, it's the only door that actually closes." "Thank you for your help ma'am." "Just call me Mathilde, hot stuff." She than proceeded to wink at me. I'm glad I still haven't had lunch yet. I walked down the hall and just like Mathilde had said none of the doors, but one actually stay closed. Not even the bathroom door, another chance to have lost my lunch. Maybe I should just stop eating or maybe I'm onto the next big miracle diet, making you not want to bother with food, you'll just lose it when you walk past the bathroom anyhow. I made it to the door, it staying closed wasn't the only thing giving it away. A very large, vertically and horizontally, bald, angry looking black man stood next to the door, Strong's bodyguard I presumed. I went to open the door and he stood in my path looking down at me with a pissed off expression on his face, the guy had the build of a bear. Of course that wasn't what I was thinking at the moment, I was thinking 'Wow, someone not 65 and older.' "You mind getting outta my way, I have an appointment or something with Mr. Strong." He just peered down at me, a mean expression on his face as though he could kill me. Then he totally blew that illusion when he opened his mouth. "Step away from the door." he said in a high pitched voice sounding as though someone was squeezing his family jewels. "Maybe I should introduce myself, I'm Jacob Stranton and I'm here to be a booker or something, I think that's what she said." "I don't care if you're the Queen of England, you don't get by unless I get a call on this radio to let you through." "Is your radio on?" "Of course my radio's o-" He looks at his radio and obviously notices it's not on. He turns it on and pretends it was on the whole time. "It's on." "Tiny, has that network stooge showed up yet?" Network stooge? I'm no stooge, I'm more like the network jester if anything. "Yeah, he here." "Well then let him in and let's get this over with brother." "You can go in now." "Yeah, sure. Oh, and thanks for the warm welcome there Sasquatch." I walk into the room and find Sam Strong sitting behind his desk. He's not alone though, sitting on his couch was a very large, fat man with a red beard and a bald head. Standing right next to him was what looked like an old, washed up wrestler who was walking around with a title belt on his waist. Wonder if he walks the streets with that thing on. Standing next to the couch was a man with a beard, sunglasses and a ponytail. Yeah, a ponytail, the guy has to be old and senile to think those are still in fashion. "Sit down brother, we have a lot to discuss." Strong said as I walked in. I took a seat in the chair in front of his desk. "Now, do you know why you're here brother?" Because Washburn hates me? "No, not really. I just was told I was transferred." And various other lies. "You're here to be a booker, my head booker in fact brother." Why does he keep calling me brother? "Oh, okay.... What's that?" Strong looked at me with a look best summed up as 'Are you f***ing kidding me?' "Are you f***ing kidding me brother? You were transferred here and you don't even know what that is?" "Nope." "Okay, tell me something, do you know who I am brother?" "Mr. Strong?" "Let's try something else, do you know who he is?" Sam said pointing at the couch. "Uhh... Redbeard, The Morbidly Obese Pirate?" "Who the hell are you calling obese needledick!?" Temper, temper. "Calm down Redwood, the kid's an idiot." "I don't give a **** if that little **** is a ****ing idiot, nobody calls me fat and doesn't get the **** beat out of their ****ing ***!" "What's your name kid?" "I'm Jacob, Jacob Stranton." "Now do you know why I won't just tell you to pack your bags and then have Tiny throw you out of this building brother?" Because you're much nicer than the beached whale over there? "No sir." "Because your boss, Mr. Washburn made it very clear. Either I give you a job and keep you out of his hair or American Wrestling gets pulled from the line-up at Sports America. Now do you know what you're going to do for me?" I shake my head no. "You're going to go with Danny here. He's going to take you to our tape library and you're going to watch the last years worth of show and then you're going to start your job in a week. Now I don't care whether you have Christmas plans with your family." I don't. Grandma still won't invite me to any family gathering since that whole Ostrich incident. "Cancel them brother. Understand?" "Yes sir, I got it." "Good, because if you don't you're going to be in for a world of hell brother. Danny show him where the library is." The ponytailed man walked me out into the hall and pointed to the door with a black and white copy of a video reel on it and then walked off. I walked down to the door and pushed it open. I looked at just how many tapes there were to watch. I hear unemployment is nice this time of year... Official Preview for USPW American Wrestling -Captain USA vs. Darryl Devine -Savage Fury vs. The Towers of Power -Nicky Champion vs. Giant Redwood -Non-Title- Raven Robinson vs. Belle Bryden -Non-Title- Enygma vs. Jumbo Jackosn -James Justice & Chris Caulfield vs. The Titans (Baine & Rex) Prediction, comments, feedback, etc. welcome.
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#12
03-02-2010, 02:49 PM
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-Captain USA vs. Darryl Devine At least there is one younger guy, right? -Savage Fury vs. The Towers of Power The Champs are faces so it is likely that the heels go over here. -Nicky Champion vs. Giant Redwood Sorry Lexa! -Non-Title- Raven Robinson vs. Belle Bryden Non Title favors the Challenger. -Non-Title- Enygma vs. Jumbo Jackosn Enygma is not losing here. -James Justice & Chris Caulfield vs. The Titans (Baine & Rex) Bad guys go over here to continue the feuds.
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#13
03-02-2010, 03:05 PM
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getting some serious deja vu with that last post J Silver
 -Captain USA vs. Darryl Devine lets see, biggest star of your last opus vs someone who I don't think you even used past the first month. Wild guess who wins -Savage Fury vs. The Towers of Power I know the tag division has never been a focus for you, but your current one must have you planning on never dealing with sobriety again. -Nicky Champion vs. Giant Redwood I give it a month before the Giant Oak sightings -Non-Title- Raven Robinson vs. Belle Bryden non title between even competitors = champ losing -Non-Title- Enygma vs. Jumbo Jackosn except in the case of enygma, because he is worthless losing. -James Justice & Chris Caulfield vs. The Titans (Baine & Rex) They'll win the match but be left laying as you don't need to have Umaga anymore. Strong brought in a local monster to fill that role much better for you.
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#14
03-02-2010, 08:20 PM
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-Captain USA vs. Darryl Devine
Darryl gets the slow build. -Savage Fury vs. The Towers of Power ToP is a good team that actually has a place to be pushed. -Nicky Champion vs. Giant Redwood Needledick, needledick, needledick! -Non-Title- Raven Robinson vs. Belle Bryden By DQ for some reason. -Non-Title- Enygma vs. Jumbo Jackosn Got to have a little face love tonight. -James Justice & Chris Caulfield vs. The Titans (Baine & Rex) Heels win to set up future stuff.
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#15
03-02-2010, 08:29 PM
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-Captain USA vs. Darryl Devine
Youth carries the day -Savage Fury vs. The Towers of Power TOP should be your top team -Nicky Champion vs. Giant Redwood Timberrrrrr -Non-Title- Raven Robinson vs. Belle Bryden Sets up a title match and gives Belle a rub -Non-Title- Enygma vs. Jumbo Jackosn Even without the strap on the line gotta go Enygma -James Justice & Chris Caulfield vs. The Titans (Baine & Rex) Win by DQ or some other means that keeps the Titans strong
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